Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Came, I Tried, They Conquereddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: just an angel
    ASL Info:    17/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 95/109/59
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 825
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 986



    Description:
       Just a brief feeling of the last thoughts Jesus could have been thinking when as he was dying; true he knew later he would come back, but I am sure that this sense of hopelessness is how most people feel when they can't carry bare their own crosses any more.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Came, I Tried, They Conquereddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I came down to bestow a gift
    Meant for all of humanity
    Yet one bite from the apple
    Left them to die in insanity

    I came through an innocent, young girl
    Who could not predit her worth
    But without any hesitance
    She agreed to my miraculous birth

    In the Temple, I taught the wise
    At the wedding, I turned water to wine
    In the river I was blessed
    In the upper room, we thirteen dined

    My life was spent forgiving
    I was called to heal and raise the dead
    When I became a threat to the wise
    The bestowed a crown of thornes on my head

    I was hammered and nailed to a cross
    Then hung up in the sun for display
    As I suffered, the people ranted
    I died and they had no words to say

    I came down to bestow a gift
    Yet no one would hear or believe
    So in the sun the hung me
    Until I could no longer breathe




    Submitted on 2007-03-05 17:58:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I go to a Catholic school, and I have never read a poem about Jesus really.. interesting. That's a pretty cool idea to write from His point of view, and it flows very well through his life. Um... I like the repetition of the line "I came down to bestow a gift", it works really well. Grammar wise in your fourth stanza you put "the" instead of they as well as in your last stanza.... One other thing is I would put: nailed upon a cross...i think it might fit better (personal opinion lol)....
    I really liked it though, new thing for me to read. All religion aside it still portrays the emotions of hopelessness like you were saying in your description. good stuff

    :) tennisfuzz
    | Posted on 2007-05-10 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really nice, in a Bipolar sort of way.
    Am sure Jesus would love it.



    GBG - Leah
    | Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by MornSweetSong | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    136871

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry