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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Fastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DavidHirt
    ASL Info:    29/M/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    7.46 - 572/332/102
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 188
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 697



    Description:
       I'm trying to write a series of poems for LEnt, on lenten themes. I've already made the changes Jase suggested so don't think he's crazy :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Fastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The tenement building abides an age,
    Bulking and fasting beyond any grasp
    Of those who behold it: a lowly page
    To the barons downtown that make one gasp
    In awe. Empty. No fastened doors or hasp
    Keep anyone out as if this last stage
    Of barrenness is but a choice. A rasp
    Of charcoal, serrate clouds rush past in rage.

    Then of a sudden, sunset light, a rose,
    Breaks through the sharp edged clouds. It burns, it fills
    The void of glass and steel with light and flame.
    Its Lenten fast is now brought to a close
    As the kingly sun makes it his home, stills
    The clouds, and gives the emptiness a name.




    Submitted on 2007-03-05 20:41:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting... a Petrarchan sonnet but abababab as an octave instead of the usual abbaabba. I did one a few months ago, but I used cdcdee (much like the end six lines of an Elizabethan) instead of the usual cdcdcd or cdecde (which you've used here).

    Line three of your octave is only nine syllables long. Line two of your sestet is eight. Every other line is ten. Think you could flesh these out to ten as well or was there some hidden intent at work here? And two typos... I'm sure you'll see them.

    Nitpicks aside, I like the way you've enjambed certain lines--it makes it more natural-sounding to speak out, and the rhyme isn't so obvious. Is there a strict metric scheme here? I'm just wondering... it actually seems metered to me, but in more 'natural' rhythm... is that nonce verse or blank verse? I always forget... clue me in. Anyway, since I last read you, it seems you've become more at ease with your rhythms... it's freer to me, much more expressive etc.

    I particularly like this line: "In awe. Empty. No fastened doors or hasp"--purely for the caesura's you have here, giving this whole poem lots of different rhythms.

    Yea, nice to see you back David.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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