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Author: wilted_
ASL Info:    20/f/singapore
Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 138 /110 /29
Words: 279
Class/Type: Limerick /Comedy
Total Views: 1228
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1852


my first (proper) attempt at form verse. i have so much difficulty with rhyme. but i think it's not (that) bad right? :)


I once worked in a studentcare centre
During a vacation one summer
I helped to keep score
When the staff sparked war
With one another they all did bicker.

At my workplace there were many children
Who could never sit still and listen
Preferred their own noise
Deemed me a killjoy
When i stood firm in starting the lesson.

In grade two was a cute boy named Amos
Who suffered from terrible sinus
Being love at first sight
To ensure he's all mine
I pried open his foul-smelling crevice.

And on to this little boy named Daryl
Who really ought to be called Cheryl.
He taught me great things
From skincare techniques
To hot tips on flattering apparel.

Daryl’s best friend was a boy named Raynor
Who was so prone to having blisters
That he soon became
One huge boil of shame -
When we poked him he flooded the centre.

Did i mention this girl named Desiree,
Who taught boys premature misery? -
Beat them at their games,
Put them all to shame,
Won all the boys' toys singlehandedly.

And there were also colleagues like Jimbo
Who constantly expressed sorrow: "oh
My ill-fated life
In which I’ve no wife
Materializing from the teevee show!"

Moving on to an old staff named Linda
Who often eats too many pratas
The ghee in her food,
Brought on many feuds
Instead of diarrhea, she burst in anger.

It was time to go, goodbye i whispered,
Their tears that fell, my own, they mirrored -
Those kids i did love
Who got on my nerves
I left with memories to write these words.

Submitted on 2007-03-06 11:35:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  All right Wilted, since you're trying to write formally, I'm going to help as I can.
First... very rough and a very tumbled, disjointed read.
"I once worked in a studentcare centre
During a vacation one summer
I helped to keep score
When the staff sparked war
With one another they all did bicker."

The second line here needs an extra syllable to keep up with the first line.
Try this... see if you can feel the rhythm... the meter...
"Once I worked in a student-care center
during a long vacation one summer.
I helped to keep score
When the staff sparked a war
And all they could do was just bicker."

Can you feel the difference? The change in the rhythm and flow of the line?

The whole poem needs that kind of smoothing out... syntax work. It's a good story... It just needs some fine serious tuning, but it's a good start and a fair first attempt.

I'd be willing to give you some ideas for the other stanzas as welll if you want the help.
| Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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