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    dots Submission Name: untitled.dots

    Author: wilted_
    ASL Info:    20/f/singapore
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 138/110/29
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Limerick/Comedy
    Total Views: 1033
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1848

       my first (proper) attempt at form verse. i have so much difficulty with rhyme. but i think it's not (that) bad right? :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I once worked in a studentcare centre
    During a vacation one summer
    I helped to keep score
    When the staff sparked war
    With one another they all did bicker.

    At my workplace there were many children
    Who could never sit still and listen
    Preferred their own noise
    Deemed me a killjoy
    When i stood firm in starting the lesson.

    In grade two was a cute boy named Amos
    Who suffered from terrible sinus
    Being love at first sight
    To ensure he's all mine
    I pried open his foul-smelling crevice.

    And on to this little boy named Daryl
    Who really ought to be called Cheryl.
    He taught me great things
    From skincare techniques
    To hot tips on flattering apparel.

    Darylís best friend was a boy named Raynor
    Who was so prone to having blisters
    That he soon became
    One huge boil of shame -
    When we poked him he flooded the centre.

    Did i mention this girl named Desiree,
    Who taught boys premature misery? -
    Beat them at their games,
    Put them all to shame,
    Won all the boys' toys singlehandedly.

    And there were also colleagues like Jimbo
    Who constantly expressed sorrow: "oh
    My ill-fated life
    In which Iíve no wife
    Materializing from the teevee show!"

    Moving on to an old staff named Linda
    Who often eats too many pratas
    The ghee in her food,
    Brought on many feuds
    Instead of diarrhea, she burst in anger.

    It was time to go, goodbye i whispered,
    Their tears that fell, my own, they mirrored -
    Those kids i did love
    Who got on my nerves
    I left with memories to write these words.

    Submitted on 2007-03-06 11:35:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      All right Wilted, since you're trying to write formally, I'm going to help as I can.
    First... very rough and a very tumbled, disjointed read.
    "I once worked in a studentcare centre
    During a vacation one summer
    I helped to keep score
    When the staff sparked war
    With one another they all did bicker."

    The second line here needs an extra syllable to keep up with the first line.
    Try this... see if you can feel the rhythm... the meter...
    "Once I worked in a student-care center
    during a long vacation one summer.
    I helped to keep score
    When the staff sparked a war
    And all they could do was just bicker."

    Can you feel the difference? The change in the rhythm and flow of the line?

    The whole poem needs that kind of smoothing out... syntax work. It's a good story... It just needs some fine serious tuning, but it's a good start and a fair first attempt.

    I'd be willing to give you some ideas for the other stanzas as welll if you want the help.
    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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