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I once worked in a studentcare centre During a vacation one summer I helped to keep score When the staff sparked war With one another they all did bicker. At my workplace there were many children Who could never sit still and listen Preferred their own noise Deemed me a killjoy When i stood firm in starting the lesson. In grade two was a cute boy named Amos Who suffered from terrible sinus Being love at first sight To ensure he's all mine I pried open his foul-smelling crevice. And on to this little boy named Daryl Who really ought to be called Cheryl. He taught me great things From skincare techniques To hot tips on flattering apparel. Daryl’s best friend was a boy named Raynor Who was so prone to having blisters That he soon became One huge boil of shame - When we poked him he flooded the centre. Did i mention this girl named Desiree, Who taught boys premature misery? - Beat them at their games, Put them all to shame, Won all the boys' toys singlehandedly. And there were also colleagues like Jimbo Who constantly expressed sorrow: "oh My ill-fated life In which I’ve no wife Materializing from the teevee show!" Moving on to an old staff named Linda Who often eats too many pratas The ghee in her food, Brought on many feuds Instead of diarrhea, she burst in anger. It was time to go, goodbye i whispered, Their tears that fell, my own, they mirrored - Those kids i did love Who got on my nerves I left with memories to write these words. |
All right Wilted, since you're trying to write formally, I'm going to help as I can. First... very rough and a very tumbled, disjointed read. "I once worked in a studentcare centre During a vacation one summer I helped to keep score When the staff sparked war With one another they all did bicker." The second line here needs an extra syllable to keep up with the first line. Try this... see if you can feel the rhythm... the meter... "Once I worked in a student-care center during a long vacation one summer. I helped to keep score When the staff sparked a war And all they could do was just bicker." Can you feel the difference? The change in the rhythm and flow of the line? The whole poem needs that kind of smoothing out... syntax work. It's a good story... It just needs some fine serious tuning, but it's a good start and a fair first attempt. I'd be willing to give you some ideas for the other stanzas as welll if you want the help. | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] | |