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    dots Submission Name: They're both deaddots

    Author: just an angel
    ASL Info:    17/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 95/109/59
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1115


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    dotsThey're both deaddots

    Just another night
    Being tucked in bed
    Mommy hugged me tight
    Then lovingly said:

    "My dear darling girl
    My bright, shining star
    Sleep tight my sweet pearl
    I will not be far"

    She gracefully swayed
    From me to the door
    Her shadow then began to fade
    I saw her no more

    Into sleep I fell
    Peacefully dreaming
    Then I heard a yell
    And muffled screaming

    From my room I ran
    To see what was wrong
    There stood a wicked man
    Holding mommy strong

    He then looked at me
    With sorrowful eyes
    He fell on one knee
    And shot himself good-bye

    That was no stranger
    But my restrained dad
    Mom said he was danger
    Because he'd gone mad

    I kissed them good-bye
    Who cares that they're gone?
    Together they'll lie
    Under the front lawn

    So now I'm alone
    On this night in bed
    I hear no more groans
    Inside of my head

    Submitted on 2007-03-06 18:50:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      OMG thats amazing, i love how in the end you feined not caring, i think thats what set this poem apart from anything i've ever written before so really really good job i loved the last stanza!!!! really good job

    Luv Ange
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by phsycoticangel | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, that was a bit of a shocker. But I figured something was going to happen when she left and said that she wouldn't be far. The first few lines kept me interested in what you had to say, good job on that.

    The sixth stanza was designed well. I love the last line on it "and shot himself good-bye", I liked the way you used shot himself good-bye there, unique. This poem was interesting from first to the last.

    There could be some minor adjustments made to it though. You could've made the poem a little longer, and left the criminal veiled until later on in the story. That would've made more suspense. Or you could've cloaked the criminal by using metaphors and such, but not really unveil it was, and leave it up to the reader to decide.

    Anyway, I think the poem is exceptional. Very good work on the rhyme scheme, and structure. I hope this really didn't happen to you, but writing about things does seem to help people with emotional problems. Or problems in life in general.

    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy crap.
    kinda a shocker.
    well written but bam.
    good job.
    | Posted on 2007-03-07 00:00:00 | by -amberina | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my God, I really hope that this didn't happen to you. But either way, this was very well written and was very well rhymed. I think I liked the second stanza. That last line gives me a little chill. "I will not be far" It's like she knew what was was coming, and she was saying that even though she wouldn't be with you, she'd always be in your heart. I don't know, but that's just what I got out of it. But anwyays, this was a really good poem. It kept me intriuged from beginning to end.

    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]

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