Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: D^%# Straight!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 218
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 556
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1290



    Description:
       Amazing American Living-alone manning a adult oriented video store at night in a bad part of town.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsD^%# Straight!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I always wonder if today
    will be the last?
    Very tough people
    in our store tonight.
    But there's only one of me.
    I belong in another world,
    Where I don't have to be me.
    Where I won't be all alone, and vulnerable.
    And where no one looks at me.
    And where no one looks at me.
    Where no one looks
    and no questions are asked...
    Is this a possibility in our shallow world?
    Where they just let me go
    they just let me pass
    let me go by without another thought
    And without any of the questions
    simmering in their drug crazed brains
    Hey are you a man or a woman???
    Where they have a little decent
    sense of humanity and
    respect
    not their kind of respect
    where they send a bullet to your brain
    because your eye caught theirs for a second.
    But here we are. Here I am hidden in plain view.
    In your midst of country liquor
    and cops and robbers
    and the down home good life.
    You hear so much about.
    When the time is right, I'll RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    As fast and far away as I can get.
    But I've nowhere to go,
    Where you aren't.




    Submitted on 2007-03-06 18:50:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i read this the other day but didnt have time enough to comment.
    as well youve seen already my comments are rather long winded and typing with one hand takes a while

    so here goes...
    ill try restrain myself... promise.

    you know... when i first read the title of the piece i was like HUH?!
    but upon reading it i found it to be quite clever really.
    now see... here where i live damn isnt a cuss word. i dont know whether cuss words stress you out but i know when i was in Illinois last july my friends had HUGE issues with me saying damn/damnit. i literally had to beat myself to stop saying it haha... in my country its nothing.
    so an expression of absolute positivity here is "damn straight" eg:

    dude... you going to the game? damn straight im going to the game!

    and its also a statement of sexual orientation.

    so with that in mind the title worked two fold for me which seemed brilliant in my mind.



    i like your story here.
    i dont think you have written or presented it in an attractive way but thats nothing. a lil experimentation and im sure we can sort that.
    your over all story (which i am assuming to be autobiographic) is very well expressed.
    the way you question yourself, your environment, those around you, thought processes and actions.
    its real.
    people dont put themselves into their words all that much any more in such a raw, honest way.
    i really respect it.

    i think this piece does two things.
    one: it holds up a mirror to society so we can see how potentially ugly we can be
    two: it makes us stop and think twice before we judge what it is we see in that mirrored reflectiong
    i like that... ive been on a rant the last coupla days about keeping it real. i go to church and i love god but right now i just cannot stand the majority of his people (which i guess means i cannot stand myself but perhaps thats nothing new... just the reason is all...)
    i was sitting through a sermon last night which i had heard from the same person about 10 times already (and that is no exaggeration i promise) and i just got so frustrated and wondered why its come to regurgitated stories as illustrations. we gotta keep it real you know. not just the church but the whole world (just my world seems to be most directly the church these last coupla days)

    ok... sermon over... i could go on forever but it would be out of context LOL
    anyways... i appreciate the realness of this piece.
    as for the presentation... i think you could make the piece more effective if you thought more about the way you present/format this piece.
    right now it is a stream of conscious kinda piece which is good but people quite often get lazy with those pieces coz they dont reach out and grab them and i guess, even in poetry, people are looking for an experience or connection.
    lets see...


    And no one looks at me and where no one looks at me and where no one looks at me

    Where they just let me go they just let me pass let me go by

    i really like the way you repeat these phrases right after eachother like that... its kinda like a stutter but not a prominent one... one that mostly goes unnoticed except when talking about the invisibility of self... i always manage to always manage to stutter i always manage to stutter when im invisible... i dont think i make any sense out loud tonight (or on screen)


    i got kicked out of creative writing class when i was 17 believe it or not... i didnt make 3 weeks in that class coz i sucked pretty bad. but during my 2 and a half weeks in that class i learnt two things

    one: how to read poetry out loud
    two: to weed out the words that dont help the piece any

    but im struggling with this piece to do that.


    possibl[y crap] suggestion:

    I belong
    in another world,
    where I don't have to be
    me, where I won't be
    all alone, And no one looks at me
    looksatmelooksatme
    and no questions asked.

    I've nowhere to go.
    Where you aren't

    but tonight is full
    of very big people,
    and very little me,
    who just let me go
    letmegoletmego by
    without catching eyes
    for fear of questioning

    decency and respect
    i've nowhere to go
    country liquor and cops and robbers
    where you arent.

    i belong in another
    world without drug crazed brains
    questioning
    questioningquestioningquestioning
    my place in their world.


    gah!
    that doesnt do any justice to your piece at all. im so sorry!
    you gotta take this piece and do something to it. ive seen you take More and it make it SOOOOO much more than it was when i first read it and so i have every faith that you can do it with this piece...

    this has been a pretty useless comment sorry.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good, the one thing I didn't like was the direct reference to transsexualism and being shot, I felt that they ruined the haze of the poem. It had a weary feeling to it, weary and upset, and the specifics made it seem more like a disgust at personal situation, rather than something for everyone. But I still liked it.
    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    137009

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry