I play the mandolin on the street for money with my friend Adam. We don't make much, it's a simple existence, both of us work in the coffee shop next to the bridge where we play. I printed this poem and gave it to Adam and he's got it in the lining of his mandolin with other pieces of poetry and songs that remind us why we play.
this makes me think "beal street" in memphis.
im not sure they played mandolins there but thats beside the point.
i travelled the world for 10 months (i wish it were much longer!) and i spent just under 3 months in the US. i went to New Orleans and wandered round the freanch quarter and bought a harmonica coz i could and then i went to memphis and sat in the gutted and played my harmonica along with all the other sounds that were beautifully competing for the attention of my ears.
the people i was there with really didnt find it all that interesting. i guess theyd been there before or maybe music just wasnt what made their soul dance... i dont know... but i loved it and stayed there as long as i possibly could...
we went and got something to eat and there was a live band there and they were playing and it was glorious to have an isolated sound which was still beautiful yet far from the other sounds outside. more clear and precise i guess.
now as i said in an earlier comment to you tonight, i am not a fan of 4 line stanza pieces.
it seems to me that they are kind of like a magic formula of writing but personally i find they kinda restrict the message you are trying to portray because you have to confine your idea into such a tight, restricting structure.
sometimes it works, as in the piece of yours i read earlier, but i do not think it does this piece full justice. im not sure why though. it doesnt seem that one part is flawed... theres just... something (sorry to be so vague )
i question your use of punctuation? perhaps thats a contributing factor... dunno... but the way you use commas instead of periods and dont seem to punctuate the rest of the verse... i dunno.
im not really one to talk when it comes to punctuation... i skipped ALL of those classes at school im sure and as a result i have NO idea what im about when it comes to punctuation or giving suggestions to improve its contribution to the piece.
but i love the way you let this guy get under the readers skin.
it really is like we are standing there on the street watching/listening as he weaves his magical song...
Your piece painted a welcome picture for those who enjoy the simple efforts of a lone musician. I do have a few points to bring up that I believe might help the piece a bit:
In the last line of the 1st stanza I would personally change it to rhythmic.
In the fourth stanza I would change "every" to "each" in the first line and in the third line I would change "up lifting" to read "uplifting".
Finally, in the last stanza I would change "then he departs" to read "then departs"
These are just my opinions but I do feel they'll help the flow.
i just had to come by and read this one 'cause i remember it from long ago.. i just love the mandolin and actually have one myself. i'm not the greatest player, but i'm trying to learn.
i like the idea of this man just playing on the street for all to hear. it reminds me of when i lived in Berkeley, California, and we would play our guitars on the street corner. it was always a lot of fun and just felt freeing, being outside and playing our hearts out.
a nice little ditty, ladyfriend. i'm glad you posted it again!
I've never seen a mandolin-playing street musician... they're a rare instrument for anyone to play actually, although I do have a friend who has one. And they're so different, and so tiny, and so oriental-looking.
I'm not normally one for end-rhymes, but in this case, the theme definitely fits, making this musical tribute in line with the essence of the poem.
I do have one nitpick for you to take or not... it involves the last two lines, like a previous commenter has brought up. To me, it seems 'overlong' rhythmically compared to your other lines... how about:
"leaving behind
songs in their hearts."
--also, "a melody of songs" seems a bit redundant as it's stating something twice almost, seeing as songs all have a melody of some sort, however abstract or dissonant it may be. Your call, obviously.
Do you play an instrument yourself, or are you more of a listener? I'm both when I can... I've been a bit ragged lately though, simply not having enough time or inclination I guess. But when I do, I'll play for at least an hour... and forget other people are around...
Ya, anyways... I'm blabbing as usual. An interesting musical anecdote.
Well i've seen your ailias all over clays page so i thought I'd take a look. I particularly like the assonance in "he picks his instrument
with a rhythmical beat,"
The only thing I can see that was a bit award was this part "leaving behind a melody
of songs in their hearts" I guess it works but it seems like songs should be singular i think song works just as well anyway just a personal preference. I like this, your style is unique you portray a scene quite well. Street musician here are somewhat of a joke you have to pay for a permit to play and you're only allowed to play on one section of the street.
This was really good, I liked it alot, it was original and interusting, you did a good job of describing the mandolin player, while remaining descriptive, yet not overly so. You also seemed to describe how it made you feel, a calming feeling. Nice.
Since you were the first to comment on any of my lyrics, I wanted to visit and read some of your submissions. I chose to comment on this one because it was a fresh piece without any feedback as of yet.
It was nice to see something cheery in an art mostly dominated by darkness. Not that it was particularly "happy" or "uplifting", but it was just "light" and somewhat casual. I like it for it's simplicity. You don't always have to pour your heart out every time you write. Sometimes a little story goes a long way!
Rhythmically, it could use a bit of adjustment, and some of your word choices 'cheese' it up just a bit such as "midsummer breeze", but it doesn't detract from it being enjoyable. It would only serve to improve it slightly. Of course, this is only my opinion and what do I know?
But, thank you. Overall I liked it and will check back for new pieces as you post them.
Submission Name: Mandolin Man
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