Sitting on the bus, Lilly traced the journey of a raindrop down the window, with her clown gloves off it was easy to see the bitten down nails on her fingertips and the yellow nicotine stains that stood out on her pale skin. The raindrop’s path came to an abrupt stop as it hit the bottom of the window, but she remained sat there staring unseeing at the grey buildings as they flitted past her eyes. The bus came to a sliding halt and without a murmur Lilly rose from her seat; she had done this so many times before and each time it seemed to get worse. The same journey, same emotions and same longing for cleansing; she could feel the pain in her arm subsiding and with it went her satisfaction.
As Lilly walked through her front door she unceremoniously dropped her bag onto the floor and stalked into the bathroom, glaring at herself in the mirror she grabbed a nail brush and started to scrub away the facade, the sharp bristles scratched her face and turned her skin an ugly shade of red but she didn’t seem to notice. The white paste started to disappear but it wasn’t enough, she still didn’t feel clean. As the tears started to fall from her eyes they stung on the raw patches of skin and caused her to catch her breath, slowly she undressed and climbed into the bath; for a minute she lay there lost in her own dark world but then she started to turn the hot water tap.
She lay there, unmoving as stone and felt the hot water get gradually hotter as it washed up over her legs and moved onto her stomach, the tears fell quicker and harder as the water burned her, but she just closed her eyes tight against the world and gritted her teeth against the pain. Eventually she couldn’t take it any longer and shooting up she grabbed at the tap and switched it off, she was disappointed in herself and that made her even angrier, taking a deep breath she sought solace underneath the scolding water. Lilly held her breath for as long as she could and then started to breath out in a slow and steady pattern, when she had no air left in her lungs and the bubbles had stopped she took hold of the sides of the bath and pulled herself up. Opening her eyes the light hit her and she felt temporarily blind and the water rushed out of her nose as she took great gulps of precious oxygen. She’d almost done it this time, she’d almost forgotten to pull herself up.