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A moment that changes everything.
Should you, or shouldn't you?
Deep seeded emotions,
Coming forth in a torrent.
Commited to the act, act fast, act slowly.
Heart begins to throb.
Blood being pumped;
The lungs, the brain, the heart.
Beads of sweat fall.
Life's liquid dissapating, dissapates.
Feeding on emotions.
Burning, burning heat comes forth, attacks, engulfs.
Fire, heat, sweat.
Deep seeded emotions,
Coming forth in a torrent; a torrent.
Heart. Heart throbs.
Infected with passion.
Passion. Sweat. Heat. Lust. Emotion.
Is this love or war?
In this day, does it really matter?
Like black and white;
Or is it grey?
How can you distinguish the two,
That are mixed together like wine and water.
Like wine and water.
| I think that it could be arranged more strikingly, such as breaking up the repeating words or related phrases (for instance, the 'disspating, dissapates' part, you could break down that line and separate the second word on another, to make it hit harder. It's like that the entire way through). Other than that, it wasn't absolutely spectacular but it was enjoyable. Probably just not my type. I would have left the last two lines out, because at the end it struck me more as a song than a poem. It's a nice portrayal of emotion, though, and is much better than what I normally have seen off of this site. Thanks for doing something emotional without sounding like an angsty wrist cutter.|
|| Posted on 2007-04-05 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ] || I like the first...like 3 quarters I believe. And after that it got a bit repetitive and I kinda lost focus. Maybe it could be cut down a bit...the wine and water part seems kinda important and I really like it, but by the time I got there it was like...eh. kinda pointless because the repetition got to me. Other than that, I really like the idea. The images are great as well. And the flow works out well. Good job, and keep it up :)|
|| Posted on 2007-03-27 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ] || The only thing I have to say is if you ended it after this line,|
"Passion. Sweat. Heat. Lust. Emotion."
It'd be great, and leave more to the imagination. Honestly, before I got past that part, I envisioned an olympic runner. For them, I would assume, running is passion, maybe lust, but the rest fits perfectly. I didn't see love or war, especially when you said think abstract.
|| Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by Falling Rain | [ Reply to This ] |