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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blood and Ribbonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SilverScent
    ASL Info:    19/Female/England
    Elite Ratio:    3.74 - 94/106/71
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 116
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1075



    Description:
       This needs work. If you could please answer the following questions in your constructive critique it would be helpful, thanks.

    What could use work?
    What should I add/edit out?
    What was good?
    Should I use more descriptions?
    Is the message conveyed clearly?
    Does it flow well enough?

    Any other suggestions welcome.
    Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlood and Ribbonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Many years ago,
    I looped that raspberry ribbon
    through your sunny curls.
    And as your blues played peak-a-boo
    with my doting tickle,
    you muttered,
    “as long as I’m wearing this ribbon,
    I’m your little girl.”

    -

    Yesterday, you visited home.
    Your band was frayed, yet it still
    wrapped your sleek hair.
    I was admiring your maturity,
    as your prudent expression,
    pinched my fingers
    around the bow, and showed me the
    gold circling your finger.

    My smile began to rain,
    but still your eyes gently beckoned
    my hand to pull.

    “It’s time,” you whispered.

    My hand (and gist) withdrew,
    and the wilted ribbon,
    slid past your gladden face,
    into my palm.
    And a benign trickle grazed your cheek.

    Softly kissing the ribbon,
    your eyes imitated mine
    and you hushed,
    “for as long as you have this ribbon,
    I’ll be your loving daughter.”




    Submitted on 2007-03-08 10:39:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really love the concept of what you are getting at. I think you should have a middle part of growing up. The fraying of the ribbon for example indicates some kind of journey.

    It is a nice little poem now. simpley Lovely.
    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked reading this, which is surprising as it isn't usually the type of genre I go in for with poetry.
    It is sweet and pleasant and I think it is something that other parents/guardians could easily relate with. Even though I am 18 years old and not a mum, it still made me feel all nostalgic for my own childhood and made me think of the bond that my mother and I share.
    The point of this poem was made instrinsically clear, which made it flow easily and it was rather nice to read in that sense.
    It feels original and straight from the heart which is always pleasant in poetry.

    Well done - and thanks for the read.

    GBG - Leah
    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by MornSweetSong | [ Reply to This ]



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