[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Toilet Girldots

    Author: ollie_wicked
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 320/199/89
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Childrens
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 935

       umm, yea, apperently i'm a dude now....or at least my phyci told me so. but just lemme know what you think. Please don't say anything about the spelling, i know i suck.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToilet Girldots

    The night was filled
    with uncertainty and alcohol.
    When i got there i just wanted
    to get away from it all.

    Weaving in and out
    of people who were wasting
    Just thinking GOD they're plastered
    But hey, what was i thinking?

    Walking past the toilet room
    I saw her laying there.
    Like maybe if she moved
    the earth would dwindle into despair.

    Around her eyes were melting
    Like she'd got too close to a fire.
    She asked if she looked pretty.
    She must think i'm a liar.

    I told her that she was radiant
    with all her stains and smell.
    She looked so real and unrehearsed.
    Like nothing the market could sell.

    I helped her heave her addiction
    Maybe helped her quit.
    I got her number and walked her out
    At least she's not ending it.

    Submitted on 2007-03-08 11:22:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this poem is sweeet. I love the title. and i like how it starts.

    awesome write
    Grim Aylin
    | Posted on 2007-11-11 00:00:00 | by WD-40 | [ Reply to This ]
      i read about 11 pieces tonight before i came to this one which in my opinion is the only one so far thats worth a [censored]. it has a way of being unique and cliché at the same time. it doesnt rhyme at all which i always like i really like the line "She looked so real and unrehearsed." not sure why it just stuck out for some reason. obviously there are parts i think should have been done differently but its the way it is because you invisioned it that way. i dont know it could use a revision maybe but dont change it unless you feel you can improve it. overall i have to say good job.

    | Posted on 2007-03-09 00:00:00 | by cartoon autopsy | [ Reply to This ]
      I quite like this. It could use a bit of work, I suppose. But I really like it. "The earth would dwindle into despair," I'm thinking despair isn't the right word, seems like she's already despairing. I've been there. I don't know. I'd like to know where this came from, what sparked the peice?
    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by Abby Sinthetic | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    AI written by poetotoe
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Linger written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Every..... written by jackz
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]