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    dots Submission Name: Brown Reclusivedots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 962
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 609

        Finally, I've written something new-ish!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBrown Reclusivedots

    Victims bleed orchids,
    life raped by the dagger
    Whilst wolves howl at suns,
    making grace stagger
    Malignant voices scream,
    murdered by spite
    Sun shadows dance,
    defying their light

    Skulls lay astray,
    roses blooming from the temple
    Night becomes day,
    Polluted sky now a heaven

    Nailed to a flame,
    one's burning sacrifice
    Powerful a myth,
    one's mind now a vice
    Through the mist is fog,
    blinding life from truth
    Shiver in the cold,
    your life is just a ruse

    Submitted on 2007-03-09 14:35:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Depressing imagary, dark use of vocab and language, pessismistic outlook. All things i like to see in poem, so well done :D

    I have to admit to being an extremely lazy reader these days so this poem was just the right length for me to read and enjoy and not lose interest - my attention span is going the same way as my patience for reading long pieces, i'm afraid. I should probably try and find some enthusiasm from somewhere, but meh, i'm too lazy. You use an unusual rhyme scheme and verse structure, but its unothordox presentation works, i think; i liked the short stanza in the middle and the 'temple' and 'heaven' words not conventionally rhyming.

    I especially liked some of your imagery, the standout one being:

    "Sun shadows dance,
    defying their light"

    Man, that's pure genius right there. i thought it was especially well done. The images of death and bleeding, and life being a useless thing is conveyed well throughout the piece. The orchid and rose metaphors are particularly nice and a welcome change to the popular practice of outwardly describing blood and gore.

    Overall, i'm glad i took the time to read it and don't think i would've even minded reading a longer poem. Oh my god, i'm cured! The only small suggestion I'd make for revision is to maybe consider removing 'just' from the last line - it's not needed. Other than that, it's all roses =P

    Thanks for the write.

    | Posted on 2008-01-14 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot! It may be a little dark , but thats the ones I like to read the most. Great write!!!
    Thanks for sharing.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2007-11-29 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems to be rather suicidal and like a note written by a prisoner of hell. I see the anger and the hate inside of this, and yet I see a light coming inside of your darkness in the second stanza. I love this poem. Life rapped by a knife, either its homicadal or suicidal, but this analogy is used so perfectly and its origanal, I believe. I see hopelessness and a lot of loss beliefs and smoldering faith when I read this. It was well done and beautifuly written, but I want to read more of this mood from you. I want to know what caused you to write this, if anything, it can't just be a random write, its to beautiful, therefore there was some tragic desire, some dark history, some spewed hate, and some spitual dillema going about inside of your head before you jotted this all down. And I want to know what it was.
    | Posted on 2007-03-15 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the last two lines were the only ones concrete enough for me. There's some freakin' nice imagery in there, but I'm not seeing enough of a story thread to connect metaphor with simile... On the other hand, it sounds amazing. I give it a 92.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2007-03-09 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]

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