Description: Okay.. I know I suck at titles so just deal with it. The rhyming scheme or whatever it's called is a little messed up because I didn't want it to sound forced. But, this is what I feel I guess.
Nani/Lisa, I find you to be one of the mature audience of Elite Skills. We're at an age where we lose innocence and there's nothing that we can do about it. We eventually lose the child-like frame and grow into another. A young lady like you will not have problems growing into the world. I have faith that you will change lives.
You don't need complex titles to make a good poem, it's the poem itself that's good. Believe me, if the title sounds very interesting, it's probably hard to comprehend. "Change" is simple and refined. It's crisp and clear on the subject at hand.
Sure the structure is a bit rough around the edges, but at least it's what you feel. True poetry from the heart is what you feel and not from the head where you think. Free verse is about you and only you. There doesn't have to be rules that you have to abide by.
I find that humans tend to take things too far, sometimes to the point where they're extremists. I don't think that people know what war is until they lose something dear to them. The news on the TV can be dreadful to watch. Sometimes, I feel like they're the terrorists.
Your second stanza sounds very familiar. I know for sure that it isn't copied and pasted but the message is the same. I think it is adversity and diversity that we have war. Groups of people think that they're better than others. Ignorance clouds their minds and it could lead to violence. I think it's in human nature to fight. Not just physical fighting but in other ways too.
War and violence affects everyone in the surrounding area. Children are usually the victims in such cases. Not only they experience absurd nature, they tend to learn about it. If fighting was eliminated from the current generation of soldiers, I think that children would have no reason to fight. Those people in the wartorn countries who have nothing else but the clothes on their backs are to be helped. They've lost everything because of two opposing idealists groups fight against each other.
By your fourth stanza, I have to say that this is "Where is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas in poem form. I'm sorry for everyone who knows me, but I love the Black Eyed Peas and their music can be political and/or meaningful. We are indeed all human. Harmony can only come from one's self and not forced upon others. I don't think you can get everyone to think the same or you'll just end up at step one.
If the United States is the most powerful and richest country out of them all, why do we still have people living on the streets and others in mansions. Well, one could say that it's to prevent communism. People who are less fortunate to beg for food and live outside should be helped. It's hard to watch the lady with the shopping cart with a bunch of bags travel to and from places. I wonder if there's anyway of getting out of being homeless without winning the lotto or being sheltered by that helpful family.
The last five lines were a poetry "do" in my book. It ended off with a message that we all can use in our everyday lives. I've seen some of those messages on MTV that tell you to cook your food in the microwave instead of the oven. I think I might want to try something like that. You have your mind set on the right tracks Nani and you shouldn't let anyone else tell you so.
As far as fixing it, maybe use more punctuation? I'm not sure if it applies in free verse but maybe periods at the end of stanzas. But if you wanted your poem to look simple without distractions, I guess it's good without the periods. You're write was well written and having so few poems, I think you are one who doesn't need to pour all her emotions at once.
i haven't been around for awhile, so i apologize for not commenting back when you left me one on one of my pieces. i have to admit, i clicked on your name to see your profile and the fact that you are only fourteen bowled me over.
your comments, insights and observations are startlingly mature. add to that, that you're young enough and smart enough to still have hope, and you're endearing. sweet. and lovely. and you write with a spherical view that one your age rarely possesses. long story short, i'm a fan of you. :)
on to the poem.
which actually relates to what i just said. you have the clarity and insight of someone twice your age, it's lovely, and true. heartbreaking, but hopeful.
i remember walking to my favourite fair trade coffee place a few days ago. i walked by a homeless man sitting on the street with his hat out. and then i watched a group of teens, probably around your age make fun of him. cruelly. and then throw pennies at him. more people should be like you.
and you can change the whole world. a pebble thrown into a pond creates a ripple effect. the pebble is not aware of the ripple it creates, it has already moved on to mingle with the minnows and the sand.
We CAN try. I used to say that all the time. Someone would tell me it's impossible to change their mind, I would tell them I could try. And there's always a chance of making an impact. Nothing is indestructible and you can change anything. I disagree with changing the conflict thing, because we could. It'll take a lot of slaughter and brain-washing and a hell of a lot of tolerance but we could do it. =P
This is such a true message,
I dont understand war either, I always thought that we were living in a time where we had learnt from the mistakes of WW1 and WW2, but I was wrong, I hate war, even at a more personal level I hate conflict, a great poem, it struck a chord with me because as you said:
There isn’t much difference
In each and every race
Because we’re all human
That live together in what I hoped was harmony
I recently spoke to one of my ex boyfriends (to whom one of my poems is dedicated to) and I was amazed at how racist he was when he found out I was dating a guy from Croatia, it made me sick that we still lived in a world where being a different color or beliving in different things still mattered.
Anyway great write, I think it is perfect the way it is.
I liked it and thought it was good, it had a good flow. Also, I know what you mean as far as titles go, I'm horrible at them as well. To me this was a poem who's style is very common, so I don't really have much critique to give it as far as how I feel. Yeah, it can get you down how the world has all the war and hate in it. Keep writing. The best way to change the world is a person at a time, eh?