Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

(My friend) Doberman


Author: Poly Jean
ASL Info:    31/f/FarAway
Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 382 /259 /68
Words: 120
Class/Type: Poetry /Friendship
Total Views: 1390
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 780



Description:


First post in a long time. Comments please!


(My friend) Doberman



This animal name
I didn’t gave you
but it suits your nature perfectly.

I’m nurturing this relationship
on thin edge of flirtation
wondering have you ever walked
the same line.
I laugh at your jokes
which I don’t approve
asking of you to
in this Rome of mine
you act like a Roman

Truth is a doberman
beautiful, yet
dark, dangerous and restless.
And as we stand in this haze of illusions
it barks at the rising moon
And I can’t help but wonder
if you hear it.
With the mist vanishing will you be vanishing too
or you will stand next to me
on this barren soil
striped of any prejudice.





Submitted on 2007-03-10 12:25:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I laugh at your jokes
which I don’t approve
asking of you to
in this Rome of mine
you act like a Roman

this part here loses me.
i understand the 'when in rome...' reference but i think there is an extra "you" in here...?

perhaps

asking of you
in this rome of mine
to act like a roman

would work better?

i too like the way you have used this dog as a metaphor. i can see the dog in my mind and the fine line the relationship walks...
im not a fan of dogs myself but if i had to choose between them and cats i would choose dogs.
and dobermans are big and scary looking in my eyes and yet you paint a whole nother side of them here... a side that is beautiful and loving and worthy of trust though you do not try to fool me or yourself that there isnt the potential for danger there.

i think thats what i appreciate most about this piece. you do not paint it to be anything that it isnt


there are a coupla places where your phrasing seems odd to me... not out of place... just awkward i guess but over all i think you have a well thought through piece
| Posted on 2007-07-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey...

I love the metaphor here, it reminds me of a poem I wrote which I never posted. Great minds think alike right? Yes of course they do... lol. No really, it is a very good vehicle for the idea you are expressing and you've done a very good job of making the dog both a symbol and a metaphor for violence and/or the violent potential in something. I think of the example of a loaded gun resting on a table top in a room full of thirteen year olds. Scary thought huh. So is the image of that dog. The Rome bit is a good one, as is much of the second stanza. I did have some trouble with the grammar and syntax in a few lines and I will highlight them for you. Then I will talk a little something about my cravings for this poem, and you will take that as it is. Over all it is a strong piece that crystallizes the characters frame of mind really well.

The grammar/syntax thing:

This animal name
I didn’t gave [give?] you...


I’m nurturing this relationship

[nurturing clashes in connotation with the theme of the poem and I would suggest something more charged and fitting to his character.]

on [the] thin[consider: fine?] edge of flirtation
wondering have you [consider: if you've] ever walked
the same line.
I laugh at your jokes
which I don’t approve
asking of you to [that?]
in this Rome of mine
you act like a Roman

[The?] Truth is a Doberman
[is?] beautiful, yet
dark, dangerous and restless.
And as we stand in this haze of illusions
it barks at the rising moon
And I can’t help but wonder
if you hear it.
With the mist vanishing will you be vanishing too
or [you : this might read better without the "you"] will stand next to me
on [this: It might read more dramatically without "this" ]barren soil
striped of any prejudice.

So, Those are just some corrections to help improve the flow of the piece and improve the syntax. Some are more important then others of course and you will do what you will do. However don't let my critical eye mislead you into thinking I didn't like the poem, quiet the contrary, it is a very strong metaphor.

as to my cravings here - I would like to see you get more descriptive and adventurous with your images. I would like to see more images of the muscular animal and his sheen black coat and his long snout and his thick white incisors and his snarling teeth and his trigger happy temper and his tendency to mark out his territory and all of that good stuff that might also cement the parallel between the man and the animal even more tightly then it is already in the poem. Mind you, you may well think it isn't necessary or that it maybe too much, but it isn't as much that you should change the poem, as it is that you should challenge yourself go that much deeper into the imagery even if you don't include it in the poem once it is all said and done. It is just so that you got your teeth wet with that method of deep description, it will prepare you for the next poem when it will play in and make a dramatic effect.

Ok, sorry I haven't been around much, glad to see you're still here and about, talk soon

Marco
| Posted on 2007-06-18 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
  Max has seemingly never heard of the saying "when in Rome" etc etc etc which would appear to be the crux ( as well as the tell-tale "I laugh at your jokes which I don't approve" (a brilliant line, by the way).

It's all down to compromise, isn't it? how much of yourself you want to betray in direct proportion to how much you take from the relationship....never an easy balance.

If I have deciphered it correctly, I really like it.

If I have missed by miles I'm a f*cking idiot.

Ah well. Refreshingly familiar.

thanks Poly Jean
| Posted on 2007-03-10 00:00:00 | by Ben Gunn | [ Reply to This ]
  This was very well written....U express your felling very well.....the only thing i see that messin me up is this part right here...

"in this Rome of mine
you act like a Roman"

I don't really get it or it's just me being young n stupid

other than dat the flow was there from being to end....

well hope to hear from ya n keep up the good work

Max
| Posted on 2007-03-10 00:00:00 | by theman | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



137419