[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Safety of Objectsdots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 351
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 607
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2170

       Playing make-believe in my head...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Safety of Objectsdots

    She could feel his eyes on her
    As she laughed, and talked with her friends
    She hadn't been sure that this was the best idea
    But there he was
    He could stare unabashedly
    There was no one there to watch him
    She looked up and met his eyes
    And her lips curved up into a smile.

    He sat and watched her from across the room
    Something about her had changed
    She held herself differently
    There was an element of danger in her smile
    She avoided his gaze for the longest,
    But then glanced in his direction
    She nervously licked her lips
    And climbed to her feet, heading out the door.

    He found her standing just outside the door
    Leaning up against a tree
    Her head thrown back, her eyes closed
    And when he touched her arm, she smiled
    She opened her eyes and looked at him
    Then she turned and walked away
    He followed in silence
    And climbed into the passenger side of her car

    She turned to him, and he kissed her
    A meeting of lips that took their breath away
    She climbed into his lap and commanded him to touch her
    There was nothing underneath her skirt
    He did as he was told,
    Skin enveloped by the warmth of her being
    And she closed her eyes and quietly moaned
    And he knew she still belonged to him

    She gyrated in his lap until she felt him awaken
    And she kissed his neck, just the way he liked
    She put her lips right to his ear
    And whispered, a warm rush of air
    "Do you want me?"
    He nodded, every movement filled with need
    "Do you think I'm still so safe?"

    She'd never been more dangerous to him
    He told her she was a threat.
    She smiled and licked her lips
    She removed his hands from her body
    She placed a chaste kiss on the tip of his nose
    "That's all I wanted to know"
    She climbed out of the car, straightened her skirt,
    And then he watched her walk away.

    Submitted on 2007-03-11 22:10:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this is a-[censored]-mazing.......i hadnt read anything this good on here in a while....i couldnt tell if it was more of a story, or a free-style poem...it was heady and richly set up so that i could hear the crickets just barely chirping in the background, the dim interior car lights shadowing more than lighting their faces....

    if this is part of the novel/story you're writing, i will so be reading it.......

    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
    You and I seem to write quite in the same ballpark. It is poetry, because most literature is poetry in my eyes. It's caputuring, but make it completely infatuating. Bring in a vividness that is stark. Even as it stands now, it's powerful. If you're like me, you're not one for changing things anyway.

    | Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by reid kat | [ Reply to This ]
      True, it doesn't classify as poetry but it could. I really like it! Its so sinful and finally gives the woman the power over her ex! What a relief. I don't care if this classifies as poetry, I like it regardless. Good work!

    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by just an angel | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok so good points- this was very easy to read, and it holds the reader's attention. The storyline flows nicely and it wasn't hard to understand.

    However, while I do not in any way claim to be an expert, I'm not entirely sure I would classify this as poetry. It seemed more like a story, and because it was a story written as if it were a poem, it sounded choppy. I don't know how to remedy this, but there's my opinion. Do with it what you will.

    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Etiquette written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Carry written by saartha
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]