This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

'Hope is very small;'

Author: LucyDiamond
ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365 /575 /251
Words: 112
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1429
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 745


'Hope is very small;'

Hope is very small;
seedlings, smiles, me.
—pieces of disaster!
Tiny pebbles hit me
from all sides, but...
we’ll laugh them all away!

Beginnings are, well...
very, very large, I would say!
Then, they s h r i n k:
like so. Like so many,
we grow our years longer,
l o n g e r...
and our futures grow much,
much shorter.

Something else is:
too serious,





Submitted on 2007-03-12 16:48:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This was really good, things dull over time, we want to have hope, but with all the other things to feel, hope seems very insignificant in the end. How can I have hope when everything around me is growing away, when nothing makes sense, depression, what was it I even wanted to have hope for? I really liked this concept.
| Posted on 2007-03-13 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
  Then, they s h r i n k:
like so. Like so many,
we grow our years longer,
l o n g e r...

Alright... the problem I see with this bit of the poem is that the effect you use to make 'shrink'
is the same you use to make 'longer'
On the page they cancel each other out and it just becomes confusing visually.

Perhaps leave s h r i n k shrink then, on the next line, put a line break between 'like so' and 'like so many'

I think it would clear up the meaning of the poem visually, especially since you seem to really rely on the visual aspect of your poem for meaning.
| Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?