Twilight Star by dax

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Twilight Star dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	dax
ASL Info:	35 male BC Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.87 - 127/127/42
Words:	129

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	112
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	807

Description:
for my sister that passed away from an asthma attack that put her into a cardiac arrest and died as a result

Twilight Star dots

-------------------------------------------

You cast your light amidst the night,
like a firefly in the sky,
candlelight in an angels' palm
dancing freely with time's psalm.

Of life and love that you bestowed,
to those around and your betrothed,
travelling the path that was your way,
before you faded in the light of day.

I thank you for the time you shared,
and to know for me you cared,
I will miss you day to day,
and remember things you used to say.

You'll keep shining on in each heart,
for the love for you will not depart,
our twilight star in our blue sky,
we'll lay you to rest and say good-bye.

by Darren Connell for my sister,
Kathy Taylor February 22. 2007

Submitted on 2007-03-13 01:02:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  The rhyme sceme is lovely. The rhythm solid begining to end. This is truely a very heartfelt dedication. Now I don't know that you wnat a critique on the writing so forgive me if I'm out of line. in the first sound your internal rhyme is impecable the repetition of I in light and firefly and nigh and sk(y). What bothered me about the piece may be what makes it more accesible but I longed for a more personal dipiciton of your sister. You state that she was an eample of love and light and I am sure she was a beautifl as you say but I guess I just wanted an example. i'm sorry for your loss. i nearly died from athsma as well. I spent year on steroids and in and out of the Er every movement meant sacrificing breath. I wouldn't go into any of the details of her death because this is about her life. It is ultimatley written for you to remember her so if you don't want to elaborate don't. Those were my only thoughts wnating to see her the way you do. peace
| Posted on 2007-03-13 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  that's a lovely poem and it really helps to make sense of things like death when you can write about it and see it written about so beautifully and eloquently like this. i had a lump in my throat reading this
| Posted on 2007-03-13 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh...my heart breaks just that much more. I just read one you had left a comment on and saw the very thing you're writing about here...
as you had opened your heart to her.

I'm sorry for your loss and that is in no way a help nor will it help you deal with this horrible loss...but it's all my heart can bare to say...

So very sorry

Now the poem is beautiful and full of remembrance of one you loved so..of one you ALL loved. The meter and flow were amazing and I think the first stanza really really stands out ;

You cast your light amidst the night,
like a firefly in the sky,
candlelight in an angels' palm
dancing freely with time's psalm.

How amazingly beautiful and tilting is that. The simple flow of internal rhyme is just so good. Not over powering and the right amount to make the hairs stand on end.

You don't just tell us of the missing link in your family chain but you give us a story of her...her
life and the we you'll remember her. Which is the best dedication in this type of write...don't get me wrong...when hurt is so bad that it pours out in painful slashes it's ok too but it takes a different turn in the beholder.

This is bliss in the eyes and mind...a caress of true longing and the purest of light in the darkest nights in a horrible tragedy.

Thank you for sharing and i'm sorry for your loss and for my rambling on like so.

Kelly

| Posted on 2007-03-13 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.