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    dots Submission Name: Pure & Dangerousdots

    Author: AutumnLeaves
    ASL Info:    26/f/ Cyprus
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 95/103/44
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 799


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPure & Dangerousdots

    It was like color white.
    The color of mornings, pure along with light.
    A white face lost in the waves of sunshine,
    taming the stillness
    And disappearing though a mist of seas.
    Then it turned yellow,
    Like some old forsaken photograph
    Where you grasp the notions of a face
    Its hidden complexions,
    The moments behind the smile,
    Its beginning and its end.
    But all you see is the middle.
    The center, cold and familiar.
    Where you can rest
    In its colorful remembrance.
    In its rigid whiteness.
    Where stillness is merely yours
    To alter,
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it.
    So pure

    Submitted on 2007-03-14 15:22:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was well written and thick with imagery... however, I have a couple of suggestions that could potentially impact the reader more, mind you, these are only suggestions and just my thoughs, don't feel obliged or hurt by them...

    "taming the stillness
    And disappearing though a mist of seas."

    perhaps change into
    the stillness
    through a mist of seas"

    this would create a more parallel structure with the previous lines.

    and the last bit

    "To alter,
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it.
    So pure

    It might sound better if it was re organized to this:
    "To alter
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it
    So pure
    So dangerous"

    Well, this comment is becoming rather lengthy, but overall I really enjoyed and liked this piece!

    Keep writing and keep up the fantastic work!
    *~ Mist ~*
    | Posted on 2007-03-14 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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