Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pure & Dangerousdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AutumnLeaves
    ASL Info:    26/f/ Cyprus
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 95/103/44
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 615
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 799



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPure & Dangerousdots
    -------------------------------------------



    It was like color white.
    The color of mornings, pure along with light.
    A white face lost in the waves of sunshine,
    Smiling,
    laughing,
    taming the stillness
    And disappearing though a mist of seas.
    Then it turned yellow,
    Like some old forsaken photograph
    Where you grasp the notions of a face
    Its hidden complexions,
    The moments behind the smile,
    Its beginning and its end.
    But all you see is the middle.
    The center, cold and familiar.
    Where you can rest
    In its colorful remembrance.
    In its rigid whiteness.
    Where stillness is merely yours
    To alter,
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it.
    So pure
    And
    Dangerous.




    Submitted on 2007-03-14 15:22:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was well written and thick with imagery... however, I have a couple of suggestions that could potentially impact the reader more, mind you, these are only suggestions and just my thoughs, don't feel obliged or hurt by them...

    "taming the stillness
    And disappearing though a mist of seas."

    perhaps change into
    "taming
    the stillness
    disappearing
    through a mist of seas"

    this would create a more parallel structure with the previous lines.

    and the last bit

    "To alter,
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it.
    So pure
    And
    Dangerous."

    It might sound better if it was re organized to this:
    "To alter
    To kill
    Or to set free.
    Ah, the beauty of it
    So pure
    So dangerous"

    Well, this comment is becoming rather lengthy, but overall I really enjoyed and liked this piece!

    Keep writing and keep up the fantastic work!
    *~ Mist ~*
    | Posted on 2007-03-14 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    137773

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry