Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: O Fine Winddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 897
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 875



    Description:
       A work in progress, I do not like the ending I think it needs more. Unfortunatly I am at a blockage, any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsO Fine Winddots
    -------------------------------------------


    O fine wind lift the scent of my lover to me
    Awash in your current a current of love thats adrift and wafting free
    The breeze on my face is a faint reminder of her sweet yet tender kiss
    The sound in my ears is a lost echo of sorrow and something amiss
    When I think of days, days gone by and the joys to make our own luck
    Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck

    O fine wind lift the scent of my lover to me
    Sailed by your force a force of will so mighty yet glorious to see
    The pictures I see and the memories I live, carry that familiar feeling of love
    Of dreams we make and the choices at stake, our life till together above
    Wandering breezes cool my face and soft mist cures my thirst
    More perfect a day would this become if only Id married you first




    Submitted on 2007-03-14 17:20:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the beat of this. I can dance to it-a nice slow dance with lots of carressing. Happy anniversary, sweetheart!
    PS I think it's time to forget about the ending. Endings are just that-you leave them behind & start over.
    Reset....
    Cleo
    | Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this piece - I, too, agree that the ending needs something - I loved this line, too, "Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck". something like the ending of the first part - the last line just takes the fairy-tale and romantic feeling of the piece and just is too blunt - Stick with the wind theme. maybe change "thirst" to ails or something.....

    This is great though - I'm reading the Return of Merlin by Deppak Chopra and this piece just fits in with the mode I'm in!

    Happy Friday!
    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    tif
    | Posted on 2007-03-16 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      You are right. The ending seemed a little... awkward, I guess. It needs some more to it... it seems like it is missing something... but there was one line that I thought was absolutely brilliant
    "Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck "

    It was wonderful! Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, just the ending needs to be worked on a bit...

    Keep writing and keep up the great work

    *~ Mist ~*
    | Posted on 2007-03-15 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    137785

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry