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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: O Fine Winddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1001
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 875



    Description:
       A work in progress, I do not like the ending I think it needs more. Unfortunatly I am at a blockage, any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsO Fine Winddots
    -------------------------------------------


    O fine wind lift the scent of my lover to me
    Awash in your current a current of love thatís adrift and wafting free
    The breeze on my face is a faint reminder of her sweet yet tender kiss
    The sound in my ears is a lost echo of sorrow and something amiss
    When I think of days, days gone by and the joys to make our own luck
    Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck

    O fine wind lift the scent of my lover to me
    Sailed by your force a force of will so mighty yet glorious to see
    The pictures I see and the memories I live, carry that familiar feeling of love
    Of dreams we make and the choices at stake, our life till together above
    Wandering breezes cool my face and soft mist cures my thirst
    More perfect a day would this become if only Iíd married you first




    Submitted on 2007-03-14 17:20:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the beat of this. I can dance to it-a nice slow dance with lots of carressing. Happy anniversary, sweetheart!
    PS I think it's time to forget about the ending. Endings are just that-you leave them behind & start over.
    Reset....
    Cleo
    | Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this piece - I, too, agree that the ending needs something - I loved this line, too, "Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck". something like the ending of the first part - the last line just takes the fairy-tale and romantic feeling of the piece and just is too blunt - Stick with the wind theme. maybe change "thirst" to ails or something.....

    This is great though - I'm reading the Return of Merlin by Deppak Chopra and this piece just fits in with the mode I'm in!

    Happy Friday!
    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    tif
    | Posted on 2007-03-16 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      You are right. The ending seemed a little... awkward, I guess. It needs some more to it... it seems like it is missing something... but there was one line that I thought was absolutely brilliant
    "Winds turn the pages, our book for us, a masterful fruit to pluck "

    It was wonderful! Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, just the ending needs to be worked on a bit...

    Keep writing and keep up the great work

    *~ Mist ~*
    | Posted on 2007-03-15 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ]


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