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One Shot At Death


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 190
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 988
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1136



Description:


They say taking your own life is a sin... Would you go to heaven or hell? I myself am not a religious person but this is my vision of what would happen if you killed yourself and went to hell for it. And my version of hell is a bit different. I don't think it's fire, i think it's loneliness forever.


One Shot At Death



Dead flowers beside her grave
to the silence she is a slave
no one's visited in a while
it isn't fair and she's in denial

Nobody one likes to say goodbye
what was the meaning of her demise?
do those flowers amount to anything?
was their love before the wilting?

Day and night she craves their hearts
to be so close, yet so far apart
is crushing her spirit, and feeding her pain
the weight of it all is hard to sustain



she wants to be strong, but she isnt tough
she wants to leave, she has had enough
when can she move on, when will it be alright
she waits and waits for that magical light

But it never comes, she never sees
and those dead flowers at her knees
are a sick reminder of the life she lived
what on earth is left to give

when all she has is her quiet pain
what is left for her to gain
so now this solitude has become her life
why, oh why did she pick up that knife....






Submitted on 2007-03-15 20:43:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  What is the meaning of a life or a death? When can one cross over to the other side? Questions that we all need answers to. You have rasied them here in your poem, and gave us a view from the perspective of the departed. I enjoyed this, but might I suggest some changes to tighten it a bit.

S1 - L1 Drop "lay." L2 Change "she is" to "she's." L3 Change "they haven't returned" to "No one's visited." L4 Drop "a."

S2 - L1 Drop "are" and "that." L2 Drop "was the" and "of." L3 Change "did those " to "do" and "add up" to amount."

S3 - L2 Drop "to be." L3 Drop "is" and "one." L4 Change "instead of" to "from."

S4 - L1 Drop "her" and "up." L2 Change "she has" to "she's" L3 drop the second "when." L4 Drop "and waits."

S5 - L2 Drop "and" L3 Drop "are' L4 Drop "all over" Change "isn't" to "is no" and drop "a."

S6 - L1 Drop "For' and "already" L2 Change "and that horrible" to "the" L3 Drop "has no" Add 's' to "affect" and Change "anymore" to "no more" L4 Change "she can" to "she'll."

These small changes, I believe, will help the flow and the intent of your poem. You may use them or not, they are but suggestions. I enjoyed your poem.

Phil
| Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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