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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Shot At Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PiperH
    ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253/299/172
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 921
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1136



    Description:
       They say taking your own life is a sin... Would you go to heaven or hell? I myself am not a religious person but this is my vision of what would happen if you killed yourself and went to hell for it. And my version of hell is a bit different. I don't think it's fire, i think it's loneliness forever.


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    dotsOne Shot At Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dead flowers beside her grave
    to the silence she is a slave
    no one's visited in a while
    it isn't fair and she's in denial

    Nobody one likes to say goodbye
    what was the meaning of her demise?
    do those flowers amount to anything?
    was their love before the wilting?

    Day and night she craves their hearts
    to be so close, yet so far apart
    is crushing her spirit, and feeding her pain
    the weight of it all is hard to sustain



    she wants to be strong, but she isnt tough
    she wants to leave, she has had enough
    when can she move on, when will it be alright
    she waits and waits for that magical light

    But it never comes, she never sees
    and those dead flowers at her knees
    are a sick reminder of the life she lived
    what on earth is left to give

    when all she has is her quiet pain
    what is left for her to gain
    so now this solitude has become her life
    why, oh why did she pick up that knife....






    Submitted on 2007-03-15 20:43:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      What is the meaning of a life or a death? When can one cross over to the other side? Questions that we all need answers to. You have rasied them here in your poem, and gave us a view from the perspective of the departed. I enjoyed this, but might I suggest some changes to tighten it a bit.

    S1 - L1 Drop "lay." L2 Change "she is" to "she's." L3 Change "they haven't returned" to "No one's visited." L4 Drop "a."

    S2 - L1 Drop "are" and "that." L2 Drop "was the" and "of." L3 Change "did those " to "do" and "add up" to amount."

    S3 - L2 Drop "to be." L3 Drop "is" and "one." L4 Change "instead of" to "from."

    S4 - L1 Drop "her" and "up." L2 Change "she has" to "she's" L3 drop the second "when." L4 Drop "and waits."

    S5 - L2 Drop "and" L3 Drop "are' L4 Drop "all over" Change "isn't" to "is no" and drop "a."

    S6 - L1 Drop "For' and "already" L2 Change "and that horrible" to "the" L3 Drop "has no" Add 's' to "affect" and Change "anymore" to "no more" L4 Change "she can" to "she'll."

    These small changes, I believe, will help the flow and the intent of your poem. You may use them or not, they are but suggestions. I enjoyed your poem.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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