One Shot At Death
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Description:
They say taking your own life is a sin... Would you go to heaven or hell? I myself am not a religious person but this is my vision of what would happen if you killed yourself and went to hell for it. And my version of hell is a bit different. I don't think it's fire, i think it's loneliness forever.
One Shot At Death
Dead flowers beside her grave to the silence she is a slave no one's visited in a while it isn't fair and she's in denial Nobody one likes to say goodbye what was the meaning of her demise? do those flowers amount to anything? was their love before the wilting? Day and night she craves their hearts to be so close, yet so far apart is crushing her spirit, and feeding her pain the weight of it all is hard to sustain she wants to be strong, but she isnt tough she wants to leave, she has had enough when can she move on, when will it be alright she waits and waits for that magical light But it never comes, she never sees and those dead flowers at her knees are a sick reminder of the life she lived what on earth is left to give when all she has is her quiet pain what is left for her to gain so now this solitude has become her life why, oh why did she pick up that knife.... |
Submitted on 2007-03-15 20:43:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments
| What is the meaning of a life or a death? When can one cross over to the other side? Questions that we all need answers to. You have rasied them here in your poem, and gave us a view from the perspective of the departed. I enjoyed this, but might I suggest some changes to tighten it a bit. S1 - L1 Drop "lay." L2 Change "she is" to "she's." L3 Change "they haven't returned" to "No one's visited." L4 Drop "a." S2 - L1 Drop "are" and "that." L2 Drop "was the" and "of." L3 Change "did those " to "do" and "add up" to amount." S3 - L2 Drop "to be." L3 Drop "is" and "one." L4 Change "instead of" to "from." S4 - L1 Drop "her" and "up." L2 Change "she has" to "she's" L3 drop the second "when." L4 Drop "and waits." S5 - L2 Drop "and" L3 Drop "are' L4 Drop "all over" Change "isn't" to "is no" and drop "a." S6 - L1 Drop "For' and "already" L2 Change "and that horrible" to "the" L3 Drop "has no" Add 's' to "affect" and Change "anymore" to "no more" L4 Change "she can" to "she'll." These small changes, I believe, will help the flow and the intent of your poem. You may use them or not, they are but suggestions. I enjoyed your poem. Phil | Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] | |
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