I'm at a loss for words. What else is there to say? I'm just going to give up. I don't want to wait for calls or texts or IM's or a glimpse. To the world, I am but a face in the sea of crowds. One undistingushable from the next. There is a spotlight going around looking for a special someone, and a couple times that light spotted me. And as I was on my way to be accepted where the special are taken in, they realized I was mistaken for someone else, so then I was sent back. Back through the crowd I pushed my way through to find my spot, but only to discover I had lost it. Blinded by the shining spotlight, I had followed it without a second thought. I've always had hope that I everytime the light shined on me I would not have to go back to my spot so I never retraced my steps back to my spot. I always seemed to find a new spot, one just like my original but my new spots were worse because everytime I was spotted and taken near that special place, I was put back in the crowd but ended up in a spot closer and closer to the special place. So the sight of it, its scent, its nearness haunted me more and more, constantly mocking me with its presence. The closer I got to that special place, the more I would see others pass me by and enter its wonderful gates. Some I knew, others I didn't. But what did it matter? Once you were chosen, there was no looking back. Everyone was blinded by the spotlight.
But that's all behind now. It's different now, isn't it. Or at least it should be and should have been. Isn't one suppossed to learn after the first mistake? Well, what if I haven't learned anything after many mistakes? But then again, I don't think I am that ignorant, and I think I have learned but I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I'm forced to get closer to the special place, because I'm already being pushed up against its unending walls. The bruises on my face are not going away anytime soon, so why bother concentrating on the pain? I'll just breathe in the special place's scent, I'll soake in the spotlight everytime it passes over me, I'll rub up against its walls because that is as close to it as I am going to get.
So what else is there to do? Wait until the spotlight mistakenly shines on me again? What will I do then? I'll tell you. I'll be blinded by that spotlight, I'll follow that spotlight back to the gates of the special place, and once again I'll be rejected. But then there's that question of hope I keep asking myself: or