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I fucking hate you. ( renamed re-issue)

Author: Ben Gunn
Elite Ratio:    3.88 - 62 /84 /40
Words: 133
Class/Type: Poetry /Angry
Total Views: 889
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 901


renamed and re-issued in the face of huge recent apathy

I fucking hate you. ( renamed re-issue)

Just live your life as you wish to,
Please don't involve me any further at all,
you never knowingly feel anything true,
your whole life was meant to appall.

Any joy you attain is at others expense,
none are spared your tongue bar your own
Never to blame tho' you have no defence,
You sit unmoved, above us all, alone.

Your life is portrayed as full and complete,
with not a hint of penance nor grief,
but you're only happy in torment and deceit,
As you betray yet anothers belief.

You'll die unloved and leave nothing worthwhile,
You'll be the first sinner that Jesus won't save.
And when I hear of your death, firstly I'll smile,
Then I'll dance on your motherfucking grave.

Ben Gunn 30.11.92

Submitted on 2007-03-15 22:54:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  OK, but how do you really feel? Well, I explored several of your writes to get a feel of your aims in writing: Basically, venting with some bowing to rhyme, but none to rhythm. Your somewhat unsociable independence is quite a shield, but I hope it doesn’t preclude accepting some honest criticism (and mine is always honest, for life is too short for any other). I disagree with the previous critiques.
There is a problem with a regular rhyme scheme that ignores rhythm. The former announces that you planned and crafted it; the latter that you ignored craft. Occasional and sporadic rhymes in free-verse are a different matter – they announce that flourishes were added as decoration or to excite the reader, and that’s OK too. They can make a piece more musical.
Here are the beats in S1:
just LIVE your LIFE as you WISH to,
please DON'T inVOLVE me A-ny FUR-ther at ALL,
you NE-ver KNOW-ing-ly FEEL A-ny-thing TRUE,
your WHOLE life was MEANT to ap-PALL.

This is the natural speaking rhythm. Some of this could be “pushed” to conform to the syllabic count, as in: your WHOLE life WAS meant TO ap-PALL. OK, I can hear you ho-humming, and thinking about anal-retentiveness. My point is that you began the detailing process, then abandoned details. You can’t half-screw the girl – go all the way or keep it in the pants. Having a meter of 3-5-5-3, and changing between UP-down and down-UP and down-down-UP patterns gives the whole a lack of unity and uniformity. If you decide to ignore rhythm, then ignore regular rhyme-endings too. Otherwise, the whole seems too irregular.
Now, if you feel all this tech-writing stuff is just crap, that’s OK. However, you did not specify the type of criticism desired. So please – do not dance on my m-f-ing grave.
As for the message: I don't know the object of your scorn and anger, so I can't say if it's deserved or not - but it is definitely nastily effective.
| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this poem, you kept it in rythem well and you conveyed the emotion that you felt! good write

You'll die unloved and leave nothing worthwhile,
You'll be the first sinner that Jesus won't save.
And when I hear of your death, firstly I'll smile,
Then I'll dance on your mother[censored] grave.

this would have to be my favourite stanza, i like how you've conveyed your hatred of this person all in all good write totally awesome

Luv Ange
| Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by phsycoticangel | [ Reply to This ]
  Great! I absolutely admire this poem, right to the very end. It keeps a steady rythm, and has a terrific ending! I have nothing bad to say, or any advice. Keep up the good work!
| Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by Frivilous _ | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved the gentle rocking of this poem right up until the very end, then it's like someone pulling the trigger of a gun and making you scream like a wimp.

I loved this. Awesome.

GBG - Leah
| Posted on 2007-03-16 00:00:00 | by MornSweetSong | [ Reply to This ]

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