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    dots Submission Name: Writtings from the Dead...dots

    Author: Semper Fidelis
    ASL Info:    22/Male/ouahu, Hawaii
    Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 135/185/60
    Words: 278
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 1082
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1798

       I just feel.....dead almost. I don't know why.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWrittings from the Dead...dots

    Into the ocean-
    Sinking swiftly from the wieght I carry-
    Getting darker-
    Lack of air yet I breath in deeply-

    As I fall forever-
    Into this abyss of life-
    I can't find anything-
    that I've done right-

    The sky is closing-
    The stars are falling-
    My light burns to ashes-
    as my body falls-

    Dead to the world am I-
    no one knows who I am-
    I don't really care much about them-
    What have they ever done for me?

    Falling forever-
    Faster and faster-
    Into the void that once-
    was my whole world-

    I hide from the darkness of the light-
    Lies and hypicrites-
    Are they all-
    speaking only what you want to hear-
    just to pull you in-

    I am so afraid-
    of what the future holds-
    disappointments and tragedies-
    Honor is all I can hold on to now-

    Who to can I trust-
    If I can't trust myself?
    Who can I count on-
    If all else fails?

    I fall deeper into this mess-
    I call life-
    A tangled web, I myself have woven-
    has ensnared me-
    Welcome, but don't get to close-
    you just might follow suit-

    I descend-
    ever so sweetly into-
    the dark from whence I came-
    Falling away, from this place-

    To my friends, I leave my memory-
    for that is all I have to give-
    To my family, I leave my love-
    for they have loved me-

    And to you, I leave my words-
    My being, my face and my thoughts-
    so that you may learn from-
    the mistakes I have made-
    so that you will not make them.

    Submitted on 2004-06-09 22:38:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      !oh...words fail me in expression of my feelings for this poem...I love the ending, giving away the only posseions you have...very nice. Descibing so nicely the feelings that accompany *the voind*...speachless...hmmm...i want to read all your work if it is all as...deep...hearfelt...dark...? as this...cant find rite words...

    | Posted on 2004-11-09 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmmm I dont know. The structure is unfamiliar to me, this kind of goes on and on. I find that people often get disinterested before they finish reading long poems. Anyways, this was a good write mostly because of the vocabulary used. No rhyming either, or very inconsisted which in my opinion is good. Good write

    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]
      The first half of your random thoughts composition didn't convince as much to care if you were falling into "an abyss of life (perhaps an abyss of ... darkness or something more related to death can be stated instead of life)." I think you should use more of the senses, like what you smell, what you hear, what you feel. I also thought your imagery was fairly plain. I know you have to keep it simple to remain consistent with your structure, but a little more detail would probably allow the reader to feel the confusion or agony the narrator is feeling. However, as your composition progressed, I seemed more touched when you wrote of family and how you weren't forgetting them and such. That was a good touch to your piece. Creative write. Keep it up
    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by PastelSky | [ Reply to This ]
      I always try to look at random thoughts because they are my favorite and i like this one, i love poems with no rhyme, i cant pull it off you like though,..."I hide from the darkness of the light"...that line made me want to keep reading and it made me curious, way to go
    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by EmilyAnne | [ Reply to This ]
      One who could admit the darkness within them, compells me. Almost like your non-existance.
    Better yet there yells of need and destruction.
    Simple method of writing, could use more imagery,
    Although is well thought out. I enjoyed very much good write over all.
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by T.Redd | [ Reply to This ]

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