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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The cornerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: marray proetus
    ASL Info:    100/F/no where
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 24/32/30
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 895
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 999



    Description:
       Why do we watch from distance when we can make a change?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe cornerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I stood in a corner by myself
    And watched as the world went by
    I could see love as pure as snow
    And hate as clear as the sky
    In my corner I stood still
    And watched as the world went by
    I could feel love of a mother
    And grief of a homeless child.

    I could see the wars between our people
    and the dead bodies that lay on the ground.
    I could hear the cries of a families for sons
    forever lost at war

    I could see the triumph of man
    after the death of fellow brother
    Who did no wrong in life,
    apart to fight for what's right!

    Then I saw the people who just stood still
    And watched as the world went by
    I then pushed myself out of my corner
    and opened the doors of my room wide
    I decided I can help
    no matter how little the change would be
    because I knew that the corner was no longer for me.






    Submitted on 2007-03-17 05:59:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice inspiration behind this poem There's a few suggestions I have that you may be able to improve it with.

    The first stanza is consistent with capitals which is good but then the pattern changes, which isn't off-putting although it does look a little messy, especially when you get to the last paragraph. Also check your punctuation, you seem to put full-stops here and there and one comma at the end of a line. I think you should either rid the poem of all of them or be consistent and put them all where needed, for example:

    'And hate as clear as the sky
    In my corner I stood still'

    There definitely needs to be something at the end of 'sky', unless you take all the punctuation out of the poem which would mean that you wouldn't need this (except for internal punctuation indicating pauses in lines for example 'who, forever lost at war'). Remember to be picky, I'm not trying to get you to conform to any poetry standard because there are many poets that are effectively inconsistent with their punctuation but I don't think this is the case. Sorry, just have a wee look at that

    I like your use of assonance and rhyme in the first stanza, give it a good read to make sure you're happy with the rhythm; I don't think this one fits:

    'I could feel the love of a mother
    And grief of a homeless child.'

    The 'the' before 'love' that is, you don't have a 'the' before 'grief' and I think it distracts from the rhythm so therefore I think you should give it the snip Ooh and I like this one:

    'I could see love as pure as snow
    And hate as clear as the sky'

    how the first line you describe the love and in the second line where we expect you to describe the hate, you describe how you see the hate - good work.

    The rhythm is a little off in this line:

    'I could hear the cries of a family for a son'

    I recommend you cut a few words and change it to something like this:

    'I could hear the cries of families for sons'

    The following line works, even though it's short. Nice repetition of small parts throughout the poem (anaphora - remember that term) like 'I could'.

    I think a space between these two lines would give some more thought process:

    'And watched as the world went by
    I then pushed myself out of my corner'

    Yep so basically capitals, punctuation and rhythm. Give it a good read and decide where you want to change it, there were a few more places with rhythm that I didn't point out, you can decide if it fits or not.

    Good job. I better go push myself out of this corner.

    Peace,
    Camo

    PS: Your photo invades most of the page It's refreshing.
    | Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ]
      This is quite good, especially the first stanza which is excellent! Repeating the line "And watched as the world went by" is a marvelous touch, as it is a most poetic line, indeed! You could (and should use it more often in the poem.) bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
    | Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      This an excellent piece, with a wonderful theme and a philisophical tale that we all need to heed! We all do make a difference, either by our action, or by our inaction!

    Well done, Marray!
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      This an excellent piece, with a wonderful theme and a philisophical tale that we all need to heed! We all do make a difference, either by our action, or by our inaction!

    Well done, Marray!
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this!
    The first stanza is my favorite..
    Simple..I like the concept and message..points it out very clear..nice write!
    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]


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