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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ...did you have a good life when you died...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 782
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 699



    Description:
       


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    dots...did you have a good life when you died...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    and when did
    the dead deserve
    so little regard
    concerning the consequence
    of their non-being?

    a better brand
    of roadkill
    blessed with
    a better end
    good carcasses

    lodged in boxes
    for easier storage
    metaphysically
    cross-referenced

    as if heaven were
    a hive of bees
    humming unfamiliar tunes
    misplacing data
    in divine cubicles

    relegated to
    the purgatory of the inbox
    and the waiting room

    did you have a good life
    when you died? enough
    to base a movie on?




    Submitted on 2007-03-17 09:42:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the metaphor of heaven being a beehive is brilliant. to me, that is the strong point of this poem. i think it brings together everything else in the poem. and it's just an image that sticks in the reader's mind. i love it. this is a good write.
    | Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by EileenToTheLeft | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Sel, the beginning is very strong, really grabs one's attention and there is some great imagery. hugs nessie
    | Posted on 2007-04-14 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      I hope I do, and hope also that this will not be my fate. I like Mr. Morrisons' words at the end, they add weight to what was previously written and remind us that we are responsible for our circumstances and our legacy. I like the imagery of the hive as well, a misinterpreted waggle dance. Also your use of non-being is preferred over just death it makes you pause to think more about it. I do think however, that you should credit Jim somewhere, isn't it "Good world when you died" though?Interesting work. Devoted_dozer
    | Posted on 2007-04-05 00:00:00 | by devoted_dozer | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was strong poem and very expressive of your ability to care for others too. I love poems that start on an and as you just seem to feel really drawn into them. I really like the alliteration in this too, especailly the C and B, I think it gives a soft but also emphatetic voice, almost like spitting:

    so little regard
    concerning the consequence
    of their non-being?

    a better brand
    of roadkill
    blessed with
    a better end
    good carcasses

    The pace is good because while the beginning has sparse imagery, the end of the poem is loaded with strong, idiosyncratic imagery which means its effects stay in the mind. You use all the senses too, which makes it that bit more vivid.

    as if heaven were
    a hive of bees
    humming unfamiliar tunes
    misplacing data
    in divine cubicles

    | Posted on 2007-03-31 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the part where you compare heaven to a hive of bees but nothing else really sticks out at me.

    its a nice piece but sometimes the enjambments dont make much sense or the flow just doesnt work too well.

    I wonder what you were thinking about when you wrote this...

    ~flora
    | Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


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