Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: unfinisheddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 525
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 367



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsunfinisheddots
    -------------------------------------------


    perhaps the ghosts
    of past empires
    toast the manifest
    impenitence of men
    as nature pulses
    with forgotten lessons
    eroding the chemistry
    of monuments

    and then...

    the smegma of nations
    rising like lechers somehow remains
    to be hushed by the long lance
    of dayborne flames




    Submitted on 2007-03-17 09:54:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      OK what I read in this is that mankind is so busy congratulating itself on all our "progress" that we have completely forgotten to look behind us to see what destruction lies in our wake. And then we wonder where all this "new" crap comes from that we have to overcome.

    Ok so that was more of an interpretation than a ctitique, but the pedestal I've put you on makes critiquing a little difficult! LOL

    My REAL Critique: awesome! way cool! you rock! etc.

    My attempt at an intelligent critique:
    Your extensive vocabulary continually blows my mind(and I'm NOT referring to your use of the word "smegma" lol). And as always, your alliteration gives it such a smooth read aloud quality a la manifest impenitence of men.

    You do write poetry as if you indeed believe poetry is meant to be read aloud. Congratulations on another good one.

    Annie


    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really interesting poem and worth reading over a number of times but I can grasp why it hasn't had so many hits. Perhaps the grand imagery is difficult for people to imagine 'nature pulses' is rather abstract and that apocalyptic conclusion is not an easy concept.

    I really like the sibilance and m and n alliteration they lend a kind of whispering bitterness that is very effective and the

    smegma of nations
    rising like lechers

    does as Icarus states reflect your disgust.
    hugs nessie
    | Posted on 2007-04-14 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      I've been waiting for someone to use the word "smegma" in context ever since I saw Red Dwarf. Mostly just because then I could make some really bad jokes.

    But (lucky you) I've been waiting so long for that that I've lost the desire for crudity and simply rejoice in it's use.

    The ghosts of the empires toasting man's continued lack of repentance and unwillingness to change, pushing ever onward, forward, their own monuments being destroyed by that same force which destroyed them... the ghosts reinforcing that which they see still continuing, that which they see in themselves, the cursed rejoicing in the cursed... well, misery loves company and all that.

    God, what a dismal view.

    And all the by-products (smeg!) of their lustrous, self-degrading degraders (using that which will destroy them to destroy others... I'm hung up on that idea) will be... not destroyed, but hushed... buried under... built on top of... flames. Flames usually signal death & rebirth... here it's neither... but the possibility of both exists.


    Thant's what I get from this. And I'm astounded by the completeness of what I saw at first as fragmentary. The title "unfinished" ... at first seems to refer to the poem, yet what it speaks of is also unfinished... I wonder if we will ever finish it. This could be the cycle (the complete cycle mind you) that we have gone through, again and again, starting at the beginning, but it could also birth something beautiful....

    Why aren't there more comments on this? I'm adding it to my favorites.
    | Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem blatently deserves more than the silence of commentless apathy it seems to currently be receiving. Perhaps there's a shortage of thoughts at the moment?

    So, the first strope. To me the key idea seems to be "forgotten lessons". Despite all the mistakes of human history that with hindsight we should so easily learn from and certainly not repeat. Instead of learning through trial and error history is much more a frustrating trial of error, if put in terms of a lame pun. "nature pulses" - your use of "nature" makes me think it's a natural curse, that men can't break away from the foolish way they're destined to behave.

    In the second strope I really like the word "smegma", the disgusting imagery of it really seems to reflect your disgust in a most... vivid way. The ending, the hushed by flames, seems to me to be quite destructive. Not pointlessly destructive, but in a way that makes room for a new start. A new day.
    | Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    138077

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry