Thorny Rose by UnderlinedInRed

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Submission Name: Thorny Rose dots

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Author:	UnderlinedInRed
ASL Info:	16/f/Beijing
Elite Ratio:	4.16 - 177/240/109
Words:	112

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	162
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	684

Description:
yea the formatting is a bit strange. but read it, the idea is nice. After a long poetry block I really like this one.

Thorny Rose dots

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I hate that it doesnt matter
that I'm falling,
into this dark hole of disaster.

and every moment that I spend here,
is another moment of deaths air.

every second I ponder,
I wander,
I saunter.

But this no longer makes sense, that I'm living in my own past tense.

Trying to be free and break out of this cage because every moment I stay,
I become more and more enraged.

so come by here and listen close,
as I fall upon your thorny rose.

The thing that led me to this dark demise,
Is the love, I chose,
And now despise.

Submitted on 2007-03-18 06:51:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  so come by here and listen close,
as I fall upon your thorny rose.

I like these lines they stand out to me. the use of a rose not as a symble of sweetness and softness but as a way of torment. I think your poem sounded very origanal and polished.
| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by ashik | [ Reply to This ]
  I like when you said you were living in your own past tense. I love that line but frankly, no one line is ever going to tie a poem together. It all has to melt into one peice and sewn by the hems with imagination. Try this.... Write a poem about something simple, like i did. LIke if you were to think of your mind as a room or house, what would it look like according to your taste, beliefs, or thoughts? Really just pour the adjectives out when doing this to best describe what you want the reader to know about your mind.
If you don't like that idea, try thinking of something simple and write about it. It's good practice. Check out my poem called "Dancing Darkness" It's about what anyone would see when they lay down and close their eyes for sleep. That was my practice and it turned out to be so good that i have actually had people wanting to publish it.
Good luck, hun!

necrotic
| Posted on 2007-04-04 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the use of the word "saunter" I also think that using the metaphor of freedom and it's cage is a little outdated and cliché. Other than that, good write.
| Posted on 2007-03-30 00:00:00 | by Waywarddaughter | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, the classic lover's lament of a love "gone south"...old as poetry itself ... well done here .... some fine rhyme and some good images over all ... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]

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