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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Moredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 376
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4204



    Description:
       The computer ate my 1st attempt.
    That was its ghost.lol.
    This now the 4th ghost.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMoredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Well,

    We hung out on the edge of the city,
           drinking in the fumes and the sangria.

    We were young and intellectual.
           "We will make the future great!"

    Everybody thought.

    The next day it was all the same.
           And the next day and the next.

    Just loitering.

    We were quite aged,
           though you couldn't calculate our age,
                  by looking.

    Far away.

    Far far away was our victory.
           And, paradoxically, old, old, and incurable karma.

    Demented, sensitive to the terrible, optimistic sky.
           Newspapers blowing twisted, obscured evidence,
                  little bits of sharp sticks stinging God's children.

    Far away. Far away,
           longing for inscrutable fulfillment.

    Finally

    We fused with the city's eternal lights,
           Having exceeded cosmic senselessness limits.

    We scored incredible elixir.
           Ordinary but transformed.
                  Augmented Ecstatic Joy of the All That Is.

    True Medicine.

    Reserved for those whose agony is especially profound,
           Suffering on the Earth plane, in the dismal city.

    Perfect composition, exquisite blues,
           Powerful and moving as the drum strains
                  that have for centuries led young men
                         into war and slaughter.

    ("Advanced Lessons," dare we hope?)

    Now:

    Bound in rags, living with cockroaches and rats.
           No matter. Our thoughts turned our world.

    Darkness comforted and cloaked its ether.
           Neon beckoned humming, wild invitations.

    Becoming:

    Mighty forests and rivers, like Kubla Khan knew,
           Merging eternal, joysprings, promises O promises!

    Promise never realized.
           as not every bud on a branch will blossom.
                  Is there a universal conduit here?
                         After all?

    Over the centuries- the next, the last, forever.
           People, never seen again,

    Drop.

    Patterns can groove into Healing Truth.
           So important. Because of the fang and the claw,
                  Always hanging around, on many city streets.

    Everyone beating the crap out of each other.
           Tramp tramp tramp-here come the dead.

    Tramp tramp tramp
           they all fell down,

    Unconscious.
    Silently remembered
    Still.




    Submitted on 2007-03-19 01:03:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think Jaydee already told you on your page how to apply spaces, which is what you were meaning to do instead of ellipses, right? If you look down the bottom of your user page, you'll see a link that says "format text" ... www.eliteskills.com/elitecode.php ...this will give you all the codes necessary. As a sidenote, you can do up to 7 spaces... continuously. Meaning you can't just write . 21sp . to get 21 spaces...but that you'd have to write . sp7 . . sp7 . . sp7 . (without the spaces in between obviously) to get the right spaces needed. That one took me ages to figure out, so enjoy it lol.

    Yes, you've fleshed this out a lot, and it's way different to what you originally posted. It's far more coherent and less mindlessly conversational... ie as in that part I mentioned the first time I commented on this. The imagery you have and that you've added ties in and gives different perpectives.

    About the only thing would be to try and cut down on some of this wandering language... unneeded connectives like in this line: "We were (actually) quite aged," --"actually" and "quite" together is a double-serving of too much (in my opinion). You get what I'm talking about, right?

    I like the onomatopoiea (spelling? I always screw that word up lol) which "Tramp tramp tramp" brings up sonically in my head... it's very effective.

    Yes, I think this moves far better rhythmically. Just swap those ellipses for spaces, eh?

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      ok.
    im back.
    gladly might i add.
    i really do like this piece.


    i like your revision.
    i think it reflects what i thought i saw in it the first time so much better.
    im not sure i enjoy all the .....
    im not quite sure what you are trying to achieve by using them and yet, at the same time, they seem to work. im not sure what it is about them but they seem to signify time passing. the layering of ideas.
    part of me feels they are unnecessary but then i also think... you know when someone forwards you some chainletter email or something and there is a
    >at the start
    >of each new line
    >and it drives you mad
    >> and sometimes theres two
    >> and you dont know why...
    it reminds me of that... kinda like you have the past
    >and then the not so past past
    >> and then now...
    and that part of me thinks that your use of periods or extended ellipses or i have no idea what to call them actually works rather well...
    yeah... im torn... can you tell?


    right now i wish my other comment wasnt so long coz it makes your piece so much further away...

    well,
    loitering.
    far away.
    finally
    becoming:
    now:
    not heard.

    i love that you have these stand alone words.
    i think you have employed them well and they contribute so well to the over all running of this poem. i think they even work when strung together like i have done. like they say something without the rest of the words too... ya know? i dont know if that was intentional. im thinking it wasnt but its something that i quite often like to play with in my own writings and i think it could be quite plausible for you to change "not heard" to "unheard" to make the end of the piece into a deafening ring but also to make the series of stand alone words completely make sense. thats an idea that you dont have to listen to though... you dont have to listen to any of them actually.

    so i like the way those stand alone words separate out the different parts of your life that you were trying to achieve and the different ideas that go with them. having said that its not like each idea is confined to the 'subheading' because the way you use the extended elipses allows you to jump between past, almost past and now quite smoothly.

    all i really have to say right now is i love this:


    Perfect composition, exquisite blues,
    .......Powerful and moving as the drum strains
    ............that have for centuries led young men
    ...............into war and slaughter.

    (And other advanced lessons).


    i love the way you start with the perfect composition and exquisite blues... its almost like i can hear them through this part of the song (and the way you use tramp tramp tramp toward the end sounds like an echo or a haunting of the drums and the blues and the perfection you have lost along the way...)
    powerful and moving as drum strains... you use your vocabulary well here... you do not force unknowable terms on the reader and the way you smoothly move from the intricacies of music into the slaughter of war is almost seamless.

    (and other advanced lessons)
    i question this lines need to be there at all but then i also get the hint that it is there for your own need... that it is encapsulating the "long story" you alluded to on my page earlier today...


    i am really glad you revisited this piece.
    and just as i am about to sign off i have one question... are the extended elipses your way of trying to space it?
    like


    Perfect composition, exquisite blues,
         Powerful and moving as the drum strains
             that have for centuries led young men
              into war and slaughter.

    if this is what you are trying to achieve let me know and id be glad to let you in on a few formatting secrets (i love playing with formatting though it is quite an effort on this site)

    anyways...
    thank you for allowing me to come back to this piece. i really appreciate it.
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Your writing style is unusual – even your poetry reads like prose. You also tend to slip between time frames: S2 is in the past and S3 in the present, without quotation marks as indicators of the changed pov. The separation of stanzas makes it OK, but in S4 it sounds awkward as you switch from the now talking about the past to the past talking about the future.
    In S5, is there perhaps a word missing from L4? “We were from the night’s edge”?
    I find some of your half-sentences to be effectively suggestive – the last stanza is just one instance. Generally, your words aren’t highly metaphorical (the flaming forest an obvious exception). The style relies on being inexplicit – quite the opposite of mine, which is perhaps the reason I find them intriguing. I will be revisiting your work frequently.
    Jase's suggestions are good, but having read some of your other writes, I would say they are not really quite your style.
    Oh yes, despite the bits of awkwardness I noted above, I enjoyed this poem.
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      im with jase on the promise of this piece.
    you start out so strong. [censored]ed me right in. but you gotta find the picture and paint it bright in your mind and then transfer it onto the page and burn the image into the readers mind.
    and dude... with lines like :



    We hung out on the edge of the city,
    drinking in the fumes and the sangria.


    i KNOW you can do just that.
    lemme see if i can break it down...

    i love the way you start out with this piece.
    how it was.
    indicating that maybe the end is now it is now or potentially heading in that direction.
    how it was.

    we hung out on the edge of the city, invicible,
    drinking in the fumes and sangria and
    threatening not to grow old.

    i am a fan of invincibility.
    i am currently of the opinion that i am just that. invincible. (3 weeks back i came off my motorcycle travelling at 70km/h and macgyver dived out of the way of the bike and came out with a busted collarbone... if that aint invincibility what is?! )
    and you do start off this piece with an air of invincibility. its attractive. its edgy. i feel like i am there. drinking it all in.

    youve got youth and brains in one line.
    coupled with invincibility and dreams... so much potential... unstoppable... really.

    but you gotta keep it.
    you gotta keep the youth, the edge, the invincibility, the dreams, the potential.

    it feels to me you kinda got a lil distracted or perhaps just tried to blurt everything out too fast and in doing that you kinda lost me.
    and in the end...

    the end sounds defeated.
    it sounds like "this is how it is" though not in so many words.
    and its ok to have a write like that but you gotta end strong! you gotta either get the reader grieving that this is how it is. grieving for their loss of youth and realisation of mortality or vulnerability. or you gotta get them excited about the way life has turned out. either way... you gotta get them feeling that strong. coz you really do start out strong in this piece.

    what is it about life that robs us blind while we're so vigilantly trying to keep our eye out for the thief? i mean how does that work? how can we be so diligent and still wind up with nothing but defeat and the memory of invincible youth?

    you gotta get telling me how it happens.
    youve got me at the starting point but you gotta find a way of keeping me to the end. and like i said at the start of this comment: I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!



    Our words burned through mighty forests
    of ideas and dreams,
    and forged our sincere determination
    over the centuries,
    To be more.
    To discover more.
    To find more.
    To finish
    what we started.

    this is the beginning of the defeat. right here.
    listing all the things generations have wanted to be and do, hinting at the fact that they never made it. never finished what was started.
    i think this good and i think you need to flesh it out. this is the skeleton but you gotta bring it to life. give it some muscles and sinew and let it move.

    yeah... this piece has the potential to be stunning. keep playing with it. dont give up on it. lemme know if you do anything with it. please.
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this poem has great promise, with lots of gems buried in here. What I'm not such a fan of in all honesty are the conversational parts, which aren't really needed, and which only serve to dilute the message. An example is:
    "That's life.
    It is what it is.
    If that isn't important,
    What is?"
    --to me, this is too commonplace, and could be expunged , as it's probably something the reader should and would infer by him/herself.

    Forgive my tampering, but this is a revision for you to consider, leaving in all the bits I found to work, and obviously ditching the aforementioned parts which I found unnecessary:


    We hung out on the edge of the city,
         drinking in the fumes and the sangria.

    The future will be great!
         We were young and intellectual.

    We grew less confident
         about our invincibility as we aged
              because we were from the night's edge,
    our words burning through mighty forests
         of ideas and dreams, our sincere determination
              forged over the centuries.

    To be more. To discover more. To find more.
         To finish what we had started.


    Just what I came up with after fiddling. Obviously, your call...

    As for this message, it seems very nostalgic: the memories of youth which never quite fade away, that passion for a cultural revolution which many have, but which fades over time due to life's tribulations, and simple... lethargy I guess. And that eventual realization that we aren't invincible at all, after witnessing and experiencing life in all its permutations... often depressing and eye-opening, I might add.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    138203

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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