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Back of the Car (Small Update)

Author: Ygi
ASL Info:    17/m
Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 290 /149 /165
Words: 40
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1129
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 271


EDIT: 150th submission!

Back of the Car (Small Update)

tracing steps we shouldn't of made
Sitting and milking our silence
we're just making words out of rhymes
chasing through the woods
lost on twisting ends
(end) of the day, and we're all out of ways
to leave

Submitted on 2007-03-19 06:45:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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5: Wow!


i just wrote you a comment and had taken too long and it didnt post.
but im back for another shot because basically... your name is always on the recent post page. you have posted 150 pieces. i dont know how many of yours i have read. i dont remember reading any of them and i thought i oughta at least try check out your work. i am not impressed. and so i wasnt going to comment because it seemed like a waste of time. but then i thought if people hadnt have commented on my stuff when i was starting to write and sucked then i would still really suck instead of only kinda suck. basically there is room for everyone to improve but theyll never know if they arent shown or encouraged to do so.
so this is my attempt at encouragement.

your title had promise.
back of the car.
i thought of two things when i read that:
dakota - a song by stereophonics
and an ad that used to be on TV for mastercard which involved going to a "drive-in" in PJ's which turned out to be in their back yard. they jumped into the back of the car and reversed down the drive and watched the movie on the side of the house.
your title had promise.

your description had promise.
confusion. fatigue. love. a sense of hopelessness that maybe youve been wasting your time the last quarter of your life.
your description had promise.

your piece though.
your piece had nothing.
that sounds really harsh and im sorry but really. it was completely unclear what you were on about at all. you gave the reader no indication or ability to read or understand your images and you didnt seem to express any feeling in it at all so they couldnt even find an emotional connection beyond your description.

Been chasing for too long
lost the scent in the back of the car
been chasing for too long
I lost the scent in the back of the car
Sitting and milking our silence
we're still just making words out of rhymes

Chasing for four too many years
I lost the scent and it can't be very far
my dog samples off your wrists
they stopped smelling back with
your twisting
making words out of rhymes

to me the repetition of the first two lines is rather useless in the current form this piece is in. i say this because it feels like you didnt have anything to say so you just repeated those two lines.

been chasing too long
this is a good line. it really is.
and i think if you were to rewrite this piece the repetition of this line could work for you. if used it as a good tool it could cause the reader to feel the desperation that this line brings. been chasing too long... too long indicating that you are coming to the end of your strength and you are beginning to question whether this is worth chasing after.

lost the scent in the back of the car
this line here. means nothing in its current state.
if you gonna use this line (which seems to have some kind of importance because you use the image of scent in the second stanza too) then you gotta clear up a few things first.
first you gotta tell the reader what the scent is.
from the description its safe to assume that it is "her" scent but you gotta be clear on what the scent is and how it got there.
is it from an encouter in the back seat? one of making out perhaps? or one of taking her home in a drunken vomit smelling state... taking her home to where she'll be safe. what is the scent and how did it get there and why do you mourn its loss?

we're still just making words out of rhymes
this works.
it makes the whole relationship so complex and tortured in some ways.
like... you like her and she likes you but neither of you can say it straight and so you talk in circles and rhymes hoping that maybe one of you will understand the other and realise whats going on but it doesnt sound likes working all well which conveys a sense of frustration... you are starting to sound tired of this game.

so the first stanza contains lines and ideas that, if you were to flesh out and detail more, could be used in a revision of this piece.

the second stanza however seems like nonsense to me so im gonna keep it short.

for four
this is too awkward.
if you insist on putting the four year time frame into this piece then you need to find a new way of doing it. this piece, despite its lack of sense, does have a natural rhythm and "for four" trips all over the place and doesnt continue the rhythm along at all.

my dog samples off your wrists
this line here makes NO sense.
i have looked at it a few different ways and i still cannot find its relevance or what it is you are trying to say through it.
it is not a pleasant image at all.

i think you need to take all the promise you had at the beginning. the title. confusion, fatigue. love. tiredness of chasing and make them into something. i think you have wasted them with this piece.
i think you need to take the lines from the first stanza and think about what i have suggested for each of them. work out what works. remember what it was that you were trying to achieve by writing them into this piece. work the promise from the title and the description into these lines but do not limit yourself to the lines and images you have used here.

i think you need to take more time when writing your poetry and hold off on posting them until they are readable so that the reader can take you seriously and leave you comments to help you better yourself. this site is not about who can post the most. it is about bettering yourself with every post.

i hope this comment has been close to helpful and more than that i hope that you actually read it and try to do something with this piece.
| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  A bit confusing to me. Some of the lines had a very nice, soft flow to them, but others didn't really make a whole lot of sense to me.
I mean, I like it overall, but there a couple of parts that I didn't like at all.

Such as "they stopped smelling back with
your twisting"

That just doesn't make any sense at all to me.

To me, this poem seems to be about somebody who went missing, and everybody was out searching for them. (You searching for this person you love.) That line just doesn't seem to fit.

"Been chasing for too long
lost the scent in the back of the car
been chasing for too long
I lost the scent in the back of the car
Sitting and milking our silence
we're still just making words out of rhymes"

I loved that stanza, really I did. It flowed, and it really truly felt original. The word choice was pleasant, and it was the best part of the poem.

"Chasing for four too many years"

I think the "for four" is a bit odd, but I like it. Makes the poem feel very repetitive and stuff.

"making words out of rhymes"

I really didn't like this. I thought was a bit of a shabby way to end the poem, and that you could have done so much more with it.

| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]

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