Futile by Swimming Bird

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Submission Name: Futile dots

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Author:	Swimming Bird
ASL Info:	22/m/AR
Elite Ratio:	5.34 - 76/68/20
Words:	100

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	234
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	617

Description:
I don't really expect anybody to understand this poem. It's more of a thinking mans work. It may seem like something different to each reader, but please no comments saying you didn't get it. I already know you probably won't.

Futile

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If I could dance out in the rain,
Atop a train,
Without the pain,
Do you think it would refrain
From causing this to be my bane?
Or my sanity to feign?
Or causing me to feel this pain?
Tell me then, what would it gain?
What of me would then remain?
In this world full of disdain,
It could no longer me detain.
I could then start my campaign,
To find a place where I could lain,
Along with all the others slain,
And peace again we could regain.
And with no doubt then ascertain,
That everything... is vain.

Submitted on 2007-03-19 10:12:46 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  (the following is nothing but a bunch of suggestions. as always, take what you will and ignore the rest. nothing personal.)

Melora is right, the rhyme scheme makes this sound almost like a chant. You're chug chug chugging along... But there are a few problems with it, that I can see:

-Your #1 problem:
"lain" in the 5th line up.
The verb tense is all wrong and I understand you wanted to make that rhyme work, but you can't just ignore grammar. Well, you can... but... you look stupid
If you want to keep that word in there, the only way would be to change -all- the verb tenses around that, so that you can sneak a "have" or "had" in there before "lain."

-Personally, on such a limited rhyme scheme, I would avoid using repeated words, like "pain" in lines 3 and 7. It makes it sound a little monotonous, and amplifies the repetitive rhyming. I'd either cut one of the "pain"s, or see if it can fill a greater purpose, and maybe throw it into a more powerful spot, or something...

-Consider that your rhymes make for a very limited vocabulary. Possibly why nobody can get it, is you're twisting around language so that you can end with a certain suffix.

-Lines 5-9: Do you really want to ask all these questions? Does it add anything significant to the piece? Are your readers gaining anything from it??
... generally, a battery of questions feels like an interrogation. If you must ask these questions, maybe ask them a bit spread-out. Or maybe make that section a separate strophe, with line breaks, so that there might be a little ... ease ...

Like I said: suggestions, only. It's an interesting read. Since you doubt I'll get it, I'm not even going to bother trying to interpret it.
(I don't dance for cookies.)
~
| Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
  The rhyme scheme at first distracts from what you're trying to say, but then, upon second reading, complements it. The repetitiveness (sp?) has almost a chant-like quality to it, that makes the words snag your attention and the meaning follows suit. Well done.

melora
| Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm, this was actually pretty good for the idea that I got from it. I got more of a "Need to live your life out to the fullest, build your life up, become important and then leave this world in peace and rest with those that didn't make their name known in this world and share your greatness with them" thing from it. I'm sure its not what you meant, or anything like it, but thats poetry right? To get our own meaning from the work of others.

Ah well, this was good. The rhyme was constant and it was good to keep it going through the entire poem. Some of the word uses were questionable in the form that the words are used it, but it still has a smooth flow to it.

This line mainly comes to line when I say that:

'It could no longer me detain.'

I understand what you mean, its just the reverse placement of 'me' and 'detain'. But you did it to keep the rhyme scheme up so its all good.

Excellent use of the word feign by the way.

Well done.

Zach
| Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
  Actually...I really like it.

I understand it wasnt meant for a meaning, believe me, I know the write all too well. Most of my pieces are like this, just random thoughts or things that sounded pretty cool which I leave open to interpretation although no one really understands them anyway.

Its cool how you let the poem's rhyme sort of govern you in a way. Most people dont really rhyme on this site much anymore and its refreshing to see.

Dont ask me how but I sort of get the feeling of needing to break out from this piece, whether its the consitancy or just the wording, it gives me the sense of a person who wants to get out there and do diffrent things but is afraid of the implications, of what people would think of them and everything that would come along with it. Deep down they are just afraid to admit it.

Yeah, I know, stupid interpretation but oh well.
Maybe next time you can try to tame the rhyming a bit. I am not saying I didnt like it, I just want to know what you have in your head instead of how far the words can get you.

~flora
| Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]

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