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    dots Submission Name: fire in her eyesdots

    Author: Mr.Ordinary
    ASL Info:    21/M/Navy
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 64/102/41
    Words: 31
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Romance
    Total Views: 1920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 194

       this is the verse to one of my song's, my freind just emailed me aobut it and i was like hmmm mabey i should through that on es. so here it is.(jenn this has nothing to do with you, written before i met you in '04)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfire in her eyesdots

    fire in her eyes
    emotions in her lies

    no time to say good-bye
    stop and tell me why

    you had to tell those lies
    'cuase its tearing me apart.

    Submitted on 2007-03-19 13:53:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      unbeleiveable, i dont know how anyone cant understand what your saying, i still love this just as much now as you used towhen you would sing.... i will leave the location out of this lol!!!!! missing you

    | Posted on 2007-05-24 00:00:00 | by lims karma | [ Reply to This ]
      You won't change it? Then why should I comment? You obviously don't want to hear what I have to say...

    but I'll say it anyway. It's not perfect. Why? Because it's got a freakin' typo in the last line, for one.

    The second is that it's rather vague. "Emotions in her lies"... what emotions? This is like a cut-n-paste outline for every poem about a girl telling lies and then leaving and the guy (or girl) going "why, oh why?" and as such, it's nothing new. We don't know the details. What made the relationship/ the end something that you felt you needed to write about? Even if it means a great deal personally to you, you have left us with any clues as to why it does, and as such, I can't feel much for this girl or this boy. Anyone can ask a question, and your has been asked too many times before.

    Also, your rhyme scheme is a bit... simplistic. You have this "eye/pie/die/why" rhyme throughout, and then the last line doesn't rhyme at all. Dropping the rhyme is a good way to come to a grinding halt, and to signify a change in attitude, as it does here. Still, it's a bit of a letdown.
    | Posted on 2007-04-18 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      well im think its perfect people so wont change it. sorry
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ]
      hey I realy love it.. I do agree that the last line needs a little work. But even if it stays the same I do love it!
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by allmine | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good like the Lynn Marsters said u should fix the last line.... or we have to wait n see what the next verse is other than that it was pretty good the flow n everything was there...

    well hope to hear from ya and keep up the good work...

    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by theman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this has a good flow to it which is important in lyrics, Ithink that the last line needs to have more impact and to fit into the theme better
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by lynn marsters | [ Reply to This ]

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