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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: fire in her eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr.Ordinary
    ASL Info:    21/M/Navy
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 64/102/41
    Words: 31
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Romance
    Total Views: 1884
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 194



    Description:
       this is the verse to one of my song's, my freind just emailed me aobut it and i was like hmmm mabey i should through that on es. so here it is.(jenn this has nothing to do with you, written before i met you in '04)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfire in her eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    fire in her eyes
    emotions in her lies

    no time to say good-bye
    stop and tell me why

    you had to tell those lies
    'cuase its tearing me apart.




    Submitted on 2007-03-19 13:53:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      unbeleiveable, i dont know how anyone cant understand what your saying, i still love this just as much now as you used towhen you would sing.... i will leave the location out of this lol!!!!! missing you

    -lims
    | Posted on 2007-05-24 00:00:00 | by lims karma | [ Reply to This ]
      You won't change it? Then why should I comment? You obviously don't want to hear what I have to say...

    but I'll say it anyway. It's not perfect. Why? Because it's got a freakin' typo in the last line, for one.

    The second is that it's rather vague. "Emotions in her lies"... what emotions? This is like a cut-n-paste outline for every poem about a girl telling lies and then leaving and the guy (or girl) going "why, oh why?" and as such, it's nothing new. We don't know the details. What made the relationship/ the end something that you felt you needed to write about? Even if it means a great deal personally to you, you have left us with any clues as to why it does, and as such, I can't feel much for this girl or this boy. Anyone can ask a question, and your has been asked too many times before.

    Also, your rhyme scheme is a bit... simplistic. You have this "eye/pie/die/why" rhyme throughout, and then the last line doesn't rhyme at all. Dropping the rhyme is a good way to come to a grinding halt, and to signify a change in attitude, as it does here. Still, it's a bit of a letdown.
    | Posted on 2007-04-18 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      well im think its perfect people so wont change it. sorry
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ]
      hey I realy love it.. I do agree that the last line needs a little work. But even if it stays the same I do love it!
    AMANDA
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by allmine | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good like the Lynn Marsters said u should fix the last line.... or we have to wait n see what the next verse is other than that it was pretty good the flow n everything was there...

    well hope to hear from ya and keep up the good work...


    Max
    Aka
    Lil'Mix
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by theman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this has a good flow to it which is important in lyrics, Ithink that the last line needs to have more impact and to fit into the theme better
    | Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by lynn marsters | [ Reply to This ]


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