Description: this is the verse to one of my song's, my freind just emailed me aobut it and i was like hmmm mabey i should through that on es. so here it is.(jenn this has nothing to do with you, written before i met you in '04)
fire in her eyes -------------------------------------------
fire in her eyes
emotions in her lies
no time to say good-bye
stop and tell me why
you had to tell those lies
'cuase its tearing me apart.
unbeleiveable, i dont know how anyone cant understand what your saying, i still love this just as much now as you used towhen you would sing.... i will leave the location out of this lol!!!!! missing you
You won't change it? Then why should I comment? You obviously don't want to hear what I have to say...
but I'll say it anyway. It's not perfect. Why? Because it's got a freakin' typo in the last line, for one.
The second is that it's rather vague. "Emotions in her lies"... what emotions? This is like a cut-n-paste outline for every poem about a girl telling lies and then leaving and the guy (or girl) going "why, oh why?" and as such, it's nothing new. We don't know the details. What made the relationship/ the end something that you felt you needed to write about? Even if it means a great deal personally to you, you have left us with any clues as to why it does, and as such, I can't feel much for this girl or this boy. Anyone can ask a question, and your has been asked too many times before.
Also, your rhyme scheme is a bit... simplistic. You have this "eye/pie/die/why" rhyme throughout, and then the last line doesn't rhyme at all. Dropping the rhyme is a good way to come to a grinding halt, and to signify a change in attitude, as it does here. Still, it's a bit of a letdown.
This was pretty good like the Lynn Marsters said u should fix the last line.... or we have to wait n see what the next verse is other than that it was pretty good the flow n everything was there...
well hope to hear from ya and keep up the good work...
I think that this has a good flow to it which is important in lyrics, Ithink that the last line needs to have more impact and to fit into the theme better
Submission Name: fire in her eyes
