Description: A memory of a girl from college that i've never been able to articulate very well. It's a little sloppy but do what you will. thanks for the the spelling help clay
In the margins -------------------------------------------
She is just a memory
a ghostly transparency
Haunting me each time i wear my elephant trunks
Every November or early December
I remember her
Slumped against the glass of the slider
The drastic contrast of her
black leather jacket and pale skin
Rosy cheeks with dimple
indentations forming when she smiled
Metallic blue eyes
Stealing glances in between gasps
as she followed the hands of her ancestors;
Holding a cigarette,
Slowly swallowing smoke
In an effort to cope
with stress of living
Examining pictures from the weekend
Giving drag pageant contestants something to envy;
The curvature of her breasts
Busting from beneath her chartreuse tank top
Spaghetti straps mapping the path to her lower back clad tattoo
Taboo
booty-call me baby
but don't let our class mates see us together
feather pillows on a narrow bed
Grabbing the head board
Exerting myself
Only for her to say;
Three orgasms later
she's had better
Never a love letter written
only an occasional scribble in margins with highlighter
"Come over tonight" or
"Thank you for the last"
Looking passed the gas station out the window
Basking in the dim glow of snow
Clinging to a Cathedral's roof
Driving home listening to tool's lateralus
and watching the weather change
There was a strange sense of serenity in being a part of it all
But lust is seasonal
And we were polar-opposites
"Giving drag pageant contestants something to envy;"
THAT LINES WAS SOOOO INTERESTING!!!! I HAVE READ A FEW THINGS OF YOURS AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DISAPPOINTED BUT THIS WAS DEFINITELY THE BEST BY FAR. I AM NOT SURE IF THE FEMALE WAS A CLASSMATE OR A PROSTITUTE OR MAYBE BOTH, BUT EITHER WAY I GATHER SHE WAS VERY ATTRACTIVE AND EVEN MORE SEXUAL. THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD STANZA THREW ME OFF A LITTLE. I FOUND IT TO BE SEPARATE FROM THE FIRST TWO, BUT OVERALL I LOVED THIS WRITE.
Okay, I see that you're one of those guys who write about women and breast and booty. But I guess you're right, I'm only in that stage where I write stupid poems about how I felt before. But seriously, yours is not that amazing either. YOu think you've grown up and seen things clearly, wrote things and learned from them? This piece is not original. I've seen better.
I see your 25, that's probably why. Thanks for reading my poems anyway.
P.S. Fearless is from a series of books that I've become to love. It's not some fancy song you think I named my self after.
i SWEAR i have commented on this before.
im sure i read it when you posted it. i remember my thoughts and responses to it but i cannot see my comment anywhere...
isnt that the craziest thing?!
anyways. here i am. again. so i will comment and hope that you get it this time
i like this piece.
i cannot say i have read such a candid piece before about such encounters.
very few ppl write about seasons of lust and if they do it is never so fondly as you seem to write here. most writes about lustful behaviours/encounters are condemning and regret-filled in my experience.
so, in that light, this piece is beautiful
i love the way you remember her... late november when wearing a certain item of clothing... its funny the things that trigger memories really isnt it...?
and then the way you paint her... as if you were standing there watching her right this second... watching her follow generations before her with her cigarette implanted between her lips...
and i love the way you convey the whole casuality of the agreement... no love notes or flowers by doodles in the margin... scribbled between pages of notes about anatomy or physics or music... and i guess theres room for error or erasure... theres room for yes and room for no...
but the fact of the matter is... it worked and was convienient for that season.
are you ever left wondering if she remembers you...?
Isn't "IT" amazing the experiences we have in the course of our life and down our path - there are people we encounter and what they bring to us through them.
We don't always know what these experiences will bring or how long their spirit will be with us but there is, as with all experiences, a learning experience that will be with us into forevermore.
I have been reading you tonight... very good reading, I might add. This piece I especially like because you take us right there, in the face of the situation, and I like it when I am transported to the scene like that. Out of curiousity, too, I read some of the comments... They made me smile. Booty call seems to be a key word... never especially one of my favorite, but the English language has far too many descriptions for things. Desire and kindred lust can bring together the oddest pairs... people who you wouldn't have a comfortable conversation with can make the most interesting lovers... but I just had to add to the fore-mentioned insights, that sometimes after being verbally slapped a few times, you strike first, just to have the upperhand and set the tone... after all, you don't want to appear to need your 'dealer'. That could explain the "had better" comment... that, or you're just not that good in the sack ;) (j/k, I'm a warped girl.)
This was a poetic shade of reality and I really enjoyed peeking through the keyhole into your life.
How you describe her she sounds like was is a beautiful looking young woman.Right down to the color of her eyes*metallic blue*although she sounded like a bit of a cold person in some way when she say's *i've had better* it doesn't take away the fact that you an her had a good time together right?Atleast you could write about her and the memory she has given you.She is no in your rear view mirror and there now stands a beautiful woman you are going to marry.I can only praise this piece to me you have written from the heart in how she made you feel great job in capturing a memory of the past
I love the descriptions of her, that you have nailed. If someone told me they had had better, i just wouldn't go back. Unless there was a reason to be there...but it's so defining of a lover and so it fits.
In the second stanza i would use "ghosting" or "ghosted" but not "ghostly". Why? I think it's a syntax call, but that would be your choice. I think ghosted is best, but you'll have to try it on for size.
Slumped against the glass [of the ] slider
The drastic contrast of [her]
black leather [jacket] and pale skin
Rosy cheeks with dimple
indentations form[ing] when she smiles
Metallic blue eyes
Steal glances in between gasps
as she follows the hands of her ancestors;
Holding a cigarette,
Slowly swallowing smoke
In an effort to cope
with [the] stress of living
I've only changed the feel of this by working with the tense of verbs. and adding in a few words. I think it helps the image of her a come alive, and I think it's tighter. I hope you agree.
Overall, I feel like I've met this woman, and how much better can it get? Nice job, sorry I haven't been around much, but it's good to see your work, Dave,
I've always wished I had what it takes to tell someone I've had better, because it's been the case with most. I'm not doin' anyone any favors by sugar coating... anyway... it was nice how you planted the seed of the memory, the season, at the beginning. You characterized her so well and I think the booty call line was perfect for showing the reader what the situation really was. Love the title!
Dave, I think one of the things I like about this poem is the way your end lines of the stanzas rhyme into the first line of the next one. Itgives the poem a feeling of moving forward, of one moment moving into the next. I'd like to see that in the first into the second. I thin it woul d add a bit more of a shine to he poem... I t of something extra too enjoy.
Well, holy hot in here cause it's smokin'.
This is an amazing gimpse into you and a bit of what haunts your past...we all have that certain some thing that will not rest and every so often it rears it's head to bite.
I love the swept up passion in framed snapshots, hidden and tucked away so as not to be seen. You describe her perfectly...enough seduction to feel the attraction and not too much to think you were broken by obsession.
She's so dark and sexy...yep
The only suggestion I have is this :
Only for her to say
(three orgasms latter)
that she's had better
just reads better...( ) those of corse are not really needed but it just shows the thought inside the thought.
Not many people ever write about 'booty-call' situations but it was fun to see the whole scenerio grow.
Definatly not one of your best pieces but of course it is well written as usual. Just a few typos here and there
Giving drag pagant contestants (something) to envy;
The curvature of her breasts
Busting from beneath her chartruese tank top
Spagetti straps mapping the path to her lower back clad (tattoo)
still needs some work but I am glad someone actually has feelings for one of thier '[censored] buddies.' seriously its refreshing to see...lol.
Submission Name: In the margins
