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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: drowningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: truthbetold
    ASL Info:    20-f
    Elite Ratio:    3.4 - 38/45/33
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 653
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 389



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdrowningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Drowning in everything, hatred, and sorrow.
    i hate thinking about tomorrow.

    drowning in my sin, my blood washed out,
    everything is blackened out.

    why does it matter nobody cares,
    and everything and everyone just isn't fair.

    Drowning in myself life and death,
    my blood drowning me, i'm drowning in my death.




    Submitted on 2007-03-20 18:24:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      very interesting... you left out a comma in the line.. "Drowning in myself life and death"
    i think it would be better if it went
    "Drowning in myself, life and death"
    or something diffrent, cuz to me that doesnt even really make sense...kinda sorta...
    and i agree with theman..the second stanza could use some work as well
    otherwise..great write.

    Bella
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by IsabellaAurora | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the last two stanzas need some work, but you got a point across in a very short poem: that's no small feat. Your word choice is impressive at times--but there are places where you seem to falter, like the emotion you're trying to convey just isn't there anymore. I know how that is, though--sometimes it's better to wait on lines for an incomplete piece than to force the words to come.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. very powerful sweetie. i loved reading this.
    | Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by black rose13 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good.....there a couble things....uummmmm try to use metaphors/similies to describe the pain and In this part of the piece you should

    "drowning in my sin, my blood washed out,
    everything is blackened out."

    It would make the piece look better if was like this

    "drowning in my sin,
    my blood washed out,
    everything is blackened out."

    well hope to hear from ya n keep up the good work
    looks like ur new to the site any ? just ask...

    Max
    Aka
    LIl'Mix
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by theman | [ Reply to This ]


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