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    dots Submission Name: He's Gonedots

    Author: truthbetold
    ASL Info:    20-f
    Elite Ratio:    3.4 - 38/45/33
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 943
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 533

       my brother isn't dead but i know someone who did loose her brother and i wrote this for her..

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHe's Gonedots

    I woke up one day
    with my brother at my side,
    I left to go do something
    to await my long ride.

    But when i came back
    a hint of shock passed through my eye,
    it was just so frightful
    it made me want to cry.

    You were dying...
    God wanted you in your rightful place.
    The emotion of sadness
    fell apon my face.

    it got dark later
    i went to bed,
    but i couldn't sleep
    knowing you were dead.

    Submitted on 2007-03-21 15:16:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      that is really sad, death is always hard on some people...i know i have lost sevral people..it took me years to get over it..i still get caught up in the emotin that it was mt fault though...everyone has to deal with death sooner or later
    it doesnt rhyme very well, but i get the over all emotion of it...
    its really sweet that you would write that for your friend

    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by IsabellaAurora | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch. Just...ouch. That's one of the most intense emotions in existence, and it's hard to write it well; I can feel it in some parts, but in others--well, put bluntly, you're reaching for rhymes again. I think it could be stronger if you turned it into non-rhyme or maybe used the rhyming dictionary available (it's under Account, bottom of the page, I think.)

    Keep it up.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey. I think of all of them this one is my favourite. The tone of it was a little bit mixed, I don't know if you meant to do this or not, but either way I liked how it showed different angles of emotion and how you were feeling - without being too ridiculously obvious about it. I too really like the line that has previously been quoted... Anyway, this poem definately shows off your potential best. Good job.
    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is really emotion filled. " God wanted you in your rightful place." very powerful. amazing write.

    <3 black rose
    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by black rose13 | [ Reply to This ]

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