Description: dont worry, this doesnt make any sense to me either.... i wrote it WAY back in the day, like 8th grade and i just found the scrap of paper it was on last night and thought, what the heck, so here it is.
This is killing me -------------------------------------------
My tears are black and blood
Filled with love
That’s drowned in hate
A bite of poison from a deadly snake
This love is hate
And passion
And fate
That a feeling so pure
Could be so sick and deadly
Like each breath
Breathes in death
A handful of pills for your head
You’ll soon be dead
I’ve got to stop this torture
Before I can manage to conjure
A quick fix to end this
A gun to my head
Or a knife to my heart
Without this elixir
I’ll soon fall apart
Love is the death of me
Tearing out inside of me
Softly but sadly
Surely and slowly
This is killing me.
I can tell that this isn't a recent write. Though it was written fairly well, it was no where near as good as what you write now. It did make no sense, like, at all. It didn't flow well, the rhyming was off, and the emotion wasn't very well portrayed. It did have good structure though. But I like what you write now. Keep the recent ones coming.
i used to date a girl who'd say in the same breath 'I hate you and I love you'. there was despair, uncertainty and longing that made her hurt and she hated me for making her feel like that. I love your poem because of her, because i like to reminisce.
your poem is very passionate and it feels wrong to have to say that i wish you had used a stronger structure. the 5th and 6th stanzas are out of sync and the rhyming scheme is a bit random.
i dont know how old kids are in the 8th grade but this feels like the work of a mature writer. you write in the first person about the gun & knife and in the 3rd person about pills. its a rant and its one which many people will be able to understand.
Submission Name: This is killing me
