Robin's Song
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Description:
Just a "springy" piece on the joys of the rebirth of life.
Robin's Song
Slow begins the melodious strain amongst the drips of falling rain pitter-pat pat-pat pitter-pat A whistle from a lonely bird crooning to his future mate to lure her from high tree's crests glimpsing a lovely scarlet chest. And louder now the melodious strain amongst the falling drops of rain pitter-pat pat-pat pitter-pat A bubbling stream-once lazily moving sluggishly full of winter at last transforms to the mighty Mirage of a madly Rushing River And rising now the melodious strain amongst the curtains of falling rain pat-pat pitter-pat pat-pat Awaiting gilded rays of Sun Robin's song ceases to sound but hidden in the driving rain -for me- the Song of Spring And roaring now the melodious strain amongst the heralding drops of rain pat-pat pitter-pat pat-pat |
Submitted on 2007-03-22 10:41:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Everyone has their own opinions, of course, but I believe that poetry comes from the heart, not from structure and understanding stanza rhythm. If you write what you feel, you can't go wrong. I think this is a great poem - it reads great, it evokes great images, and it makes me want to read more. I love the repetition of the pitter-pat verses, and 'heralding'? That's a great word right there  .Keep writing from the heart. In my book, that's all that matters. Jacoby | Posted on 2007-05-18 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ] | "A whistle from a lonely bird | crooning to his future mate to lure from high trees crests to glimpse lovely scarlet chest." Clover. I think there is a lot that you can do for this whole poem after a look at this one stanza. This is where the rhythm of the piece really comes from. To the sensitive ear it sets the course rhythmicly for the rest of the poem. If you look at the first line, it's Iambic. It is all in rising feet. -/ -/ -/ -/ The second line is Trocheeic, all in falling feet./- /- /- /-/ Third, Iambic... and the fourth... it isn't Trocheeic but reads like it should be. I think you would improve the flow of th epoem by turning "to glimpse" into "glimpsing" It even follows then, a bit more closely, the rhythm you suggest with your refrain: PIT ter PAT/Pat Pat/PIT ter PAT.... /-/ // /-/ The two ideas call back and forth, you know? Maybe try to use that rain rhythm in the rhythm of your stanzas... I think if you're going to call attention to a rhythm, then maybe you should try to mimic that rhythm in the writing a bit more. | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] | |
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