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Robin's Song


Author: clovernfoxglove
Elite Ratio:    6.13 - 134 /145 /43
Words: 132
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1506
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1057



Description:


Just a "springy" piece on the joys of the rebirth of life.


Robin's Song



Slow begins the melodious strain
amongst the drips of falling rain
pitter-pat
pat-pat
pitter-pat

A whistle from a lonely bird
crooning to his future mate
to lure her from high tree's crests
glimpsing a lovely scarlet chest.

And louder now the melodious strain
amongst the falling drops of rain
pitter-pat
pat-pat
pitter-pat

A bubbling stream-once lazily moving
sluggishly full of winter
at last transforms to the mighty Mirage
of a madly Rushing River

And rising now the melodious strain
amongst the curtains of falling rain
pat-pat
pitter-pat
pat-pat

Awaiting gilded rays of Sun
Robin's song ceases to sound
but hidden in the driving rain
-for me-
the Song of Spring

And roaring now the melodious strain
amongst the heralding drops of rain
pat-pat
pitter-pat
pat-pat




Submitted on 2007-03-22 10:41:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Everyone has their own opinions, of course, but I believe that poetry comes from the heart, not from structure and understanding stanza rhythm. If you write what you feel, you can't go wrong.

I think this is a great poem - it reads great, it evokes great images, and it makes me want to read more. I love the repetition of the pitter-pat verses, and 'heralding'? That's a great word right there .

Keep writing from the heart.

In my book, that's all that matters.

Jacoby
| Posted on 2007-05-18 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
  "A whistle from a lonely bird
crooning to his future mate
to lure from high trees crests
to glimpse lovely scarlet chest."

Clover. I think there is a lot that you can do for this whole poem after a look at this one stanza. This is where the rhythm of the piece really comes from. To the sensitive ear it sets the course rhythmicly for the rest of the poem. If you look at the first line, it's Iambic. It is all in rising feet. -/ -/ -/ -/ The second line is Trocheeic, all in falling feet./- /- /- /-/
Third, Iambic... and the fourth... it isn't Trocheeic but reads like it should be. I think you would improve the flow of th epoem by turning "to glimpse" into "glimpsing"
It even follows then, a bit more closely, the rhythm you suggest with your refrain: PIT ter PAT/Pat Pat/PIT ter PAT....
/-/ // /-/
The two ideas call back and forth, you know? Maybe try to use that rain rhythm in the rhythm of your stanzas...
I think if you're going to call attention to a rhythm, then maybe you should try to mimic that rhythm in the writing a bit more.
| Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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