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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Acid
    ASL Info:    17/M/Newport, WA
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 103/159/76
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 567
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       Please don't tear it to shreds, my ego is embedded in this one, it's the first poem I've written since like november. Be gentle.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Blooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The darkness in my heart,
    A void upon my face,
    The mask of Blood and Bone,
    Clings to my exsistence.

    Death has come to steal,
    The beating in my breast.
    I try to fill the hollow,
    With demons from Abyss.

    The dead are strung from trees,
    Like the icicles of winter.
    My tomb of granite hands,
    Keeps a cold grip upon my soul.

    Blood is dwelling in my wounds,
    Flesh festers atop the Bone.
    Maggots are swimming sweetly,
    In holes within my chest.

    Stitches cross and carry,
    Like the petal and the thorn,
    Vines breaking through the Mask,
    Reveals my rotten core.




    Submitted on 2007-03-22 14:19:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with shadow
    this one's got great imagery, and for the most part flows well., but on a few parts it could use some tweaking...

    one thing i'd like to point out though...you use the word "bone" twice in ending a line...and the words "breast" and "chest" to end two lines. i do not mean to say you cannot use similar words to end lines, but generally it sounds better when you do not, if there is no distinct pattern that the repetition is following...along with that and just adding a little power to it, i think it could be a great write!

    however, now for the good parts :]

    The darkness in my heart,
    A void upon my face,
    The mask of Blood and Bone,
    Clings to my exsistence.

    Stitches cross and carry,
    Like the petal and the thorn,
    Vines breaking through the Mask,
    Reveals my rotten core.

    i loved those two stanzas, great opening and ending! the words just seem to "fit" you know? Sometimes you can just feel that words are supposed to be there and that's how they are there. the end stanza makes a nice finish, showing the full effect of what the speaker is/has become from their "disease"(for lack of a better word)

    keep it up

    ~chaos~

    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      it's a sweet start for having been on poetic vaction . not up to your usual but some wicked imagry and im sure that you can always comce back and take stanza's you like and expand...

    much love darling

    ~shadow
    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]


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