Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Acid
    ASL Info:    17/M/Newport, WA
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 103/159/76
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 553
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       Please don't tear it to shreds, my ego is embedded in this one, it's the first poem I've written since like november. Be gentle.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Blooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The darkness in my heart,
    A void upon my face,
    The mask of Blood and Bone,
    Clings to my exsistence.

    Death has come to steal,
    The beating in my breast.
    I try to fill the hollow,
    With demons from Abyss.

    The dead are strung from trees,
    Like the icicles of winter.
    My tomb of granite hands,
    Keeps a cold grip upon my soul.

    Blood is dwelling in my wounds,
    Flesh festers atop the Bone.
    Maggots are swimming sweetly,
    In holes within my chest.

    Stitches cross and carry,
    Like the petal and the thorn,
    Vines breaking through the Mask,
    Reveals my rotten core.




    Submitted on 2007-03-22 14:19:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with shadow
    this one's got great imagery, and for the most part flows well., but on a few parts it could use some tweaking...

    one thing i'd like to point out though...you use the word "bone" twice in ending a line...and the words "breast" and "chest" to end two lines. i do not mean to say you cannot use similar words to end lines, but generally it sounds better when you do not, if there is no distinct pattern that the repetition is following...along with that and just adding a little power to it, i think it could be a great write!

    however, now for the good parts :]

    The darkness in my heart,
    A void upon my face,
    The mask of Blood and Bone,
    Clings to my exsistence.

    Stitches cross and carry,
    Like the petal and the thorn,
    Vines breaking through the Mask,
    Reveals my rotten core.

    i loved those two stanzas, great opening and ending! the words just seem to "fit" you know? Sometimes you can just feel that words are supposed to be there and that's how they are there. the end stanza makes a nice finish, showing the full effect of what the speaker is/has become from their "disease"(for lack of a better word)

    keep it up

    ~chaos~

    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      it's a sweet start for having been on poetic vaction . not up to your usual but some wicked imagry and im sure that you can always comce back and take stanza's you like and expand...

    much love darling

    ~shadow
    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    138595

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Live In Between written by teika5
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry