Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Suburbiadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Erchomenos
    ASL Info:    19/F/Montreal
    Elite Ratio:    5.19 - 260/85/19
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1187
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 815



    Description:
       The Revised Version . Many many many thanks to mixedemotions00 for all the suggestions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuburbiadots
    -------------------------------------------


    White picket fence dreams
    fade as paint peels and dandelions
    overtake the yard.

    Things unimagined—property
    taxes, for one. Neighbourhood kids,
    for another. The things people put up with
    for the sake of image
    sickens
    like green playdoh
    sickens
    when eaten by a three year old child.

    "I thought the cookies were real, Mama."

    Growing up with wind chimes tangling
    in the breeze, bright flashes of red on
    blackbirds' wings, and heady storms
    overtaking the summer sky—
    who would've thought she'd end up like this?

    Reality bites like some old toothless
    mongrel dog kicking up dust in
    the anonymous villages of childhood.




    Submitted on 2004-06-10 14:27:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love this cause i'm obsessed with childhood and how it never stops affecting us. what i thought was really cool is the first and last stanzas are like haiku, in the 3 line images and the way they set the stage and then close out the poem.
    | Posted on 2004-06-15 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really good image of suburbia. The random switching of perspective from grown-up to child creates good contrast. It even paints the dissilusionment of the child in "I thought the cookies were real". Enjoyed this. Keep the wonder alive.
    | Posted on 2004-06-12 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      Good write! As far as the last stanza I would simply take out "some" off the first line. It would make it more sureable, for true. The poem is great, although I am a little unclear of what you are trying to paint here. I have an idea...good write keep it up!

    Bruno
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. this poem is amazing. it really makes you think about where you live, and if it is as you describe. this poem makes me think of Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird". don't know why. just does. good job
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by EdwardScissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      is fine.anything changed might cause the thought to be incomplete and cause restructuring.
    this poem whows the imagination is not so unigue in all aspects such as contepltions of life and future.
    its a good write and lacks any need for change ,as far as i can see.
    it reflects my one time dream and nightmare at the same time
    thanx q-girl
    paulie d
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by paulie d | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmm I like what you're doing here. I do have some suggestions, you can do what you'd like with them:

    * I really like the second stanza, until the last sentence. I would've liked to see that as it's own line, and I think it'd be neat if you changed it into dialogue, you know??
    "I thought the cookies were real, Mama!"

    * To make it gramatically correct, you'd need a comma after "blackbirds' wings." and I'd personally like it better. I like commas and other punctuation; they add a bit of a pause, and in writing like this, there should be no rush to get to the end. Adds drama and some personality, too.

    * And with those above reasons, I also would've liked a semicolon or a dash before "who would've thought...?" I can understand why you didn't give it it's own line, if you were kind of going for a rambling-thought-understated thing here. Otherwise, if you're wanting it to hit home and be poignant, I would give it it's own line.

    * And the last stanza: I liked it up to "village." I don't know why, but I think because it was a run-on and also because it wasn't quite in line as the rest of the piece, I didn't like the last few words on the end. All I can suggest is to play around with some punctuation, take off the last few words, or try to cut a little out and change a little. You're talented; play around and you'll come up with something!

    This was very good, and I like I said, I love the picture you're painting. Very nicely written. I love irony, and this strikes ironic with me-- don't know if you meant it, but I like it!
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow, I'm glad you liked my suggestions! I do like this better, and the last stanza fits perfectly! Very good, another round of applause is in store!
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is rad. I can see a vivid image of your subburban neighborhood, and the surrounding realities. observing society's superficial upbringings. awesome! I love the green pladoh lines, and the last stanza
    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by Ratmeat | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    13862

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry