i love this cause i'm obsessed with childhood and how it never stops affecting us. what i thought was really cool is the first and last stanzas are like haiku, in the 3 line images and the way they set the stage and then close out the poem.
This is a really good image of suburbia. The random switching of perspective from grown-up to child creates good contrast. It even paints the dissilusionment of the child in "I thought the cookies were real". Enjoyed this. Keep the wonder alive.
Good write! As far as the last stanza I would simply take out "some" off the first line. It would make it more sureable, for true. The poem is great, although I am a little unclear of what you are trying to paint here. I have an idea...good write keep it up!
wow. this poem is amazing. it really makes you think about where you live, and if it is as you describe. this poem makes me think of Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird". don't know why. just does. good job
is fine.anything changed might cause the thought to be incomplete and cause restructuring. this poem whows the imagination is not so unigue in all aspects such as contepltions of life and future. its a good write and lacks any need for change ,as far as i can see. it reflects my one time dream and nightmare at the same time thanx q-girl paulie d
Mmm I like what you're doing here. I do have some suggestions, you can do what you'd like with them:
* I really like the second stanza, until the last sentence. I would've liked to see that as it's own line, and I think it'd be neat if you changed it into dialogue, you know?? "I thought the cookies were real, Mama!"
* To make it gramatically correct, you'd need a comma after "blackbirds' wings." and I'd personally like it better. I like commas and other punctuation; they add a bit of a pause, and in writing like this, there should be no rush to get to the end. Adds drama and some personality, too.
* And with those above reasons, I also would've liked a semicolon or a dash before "who would've thought...?" I can understand why you didn't give it it's own line, if you were kind of going for a rambling-thought-understated thing here. Otherwise, if you're wanting it to hit home and be poignant, I would give it it's own line.
* And the last stanza: I liked it up to "village." I don't know why, but I think because it was a run-on and also because it wasn't quite in line as the rest of the piece, I didn't like the last few words on the end. All I can suggest is to play around with some punctuation, take off the last few words, or try to cut a little out and change a little. You're talented; play around and you'll come up with something!
This was very good, and I like I said, I love the picture you're painting. Very nicely written. I love irony, and this strikes ironic with me-- don't know if you meant it, but I like it!
This is rad. I can see a vivid image of your subburban neighborhood, and the surrounding realities. observing society's superficial upbringings. awesome! I love the green pladoh lines, and the last stanza