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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 534
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 949

       i was in pain at the time....phyisical and mental

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the pain is too intense
    its killed my only defense
    there's a throbbing in my head
    a dream of being dull and dead
    to the world until this hell ends
    because my body cant defend
    itsel;f against the raging pain
    pounding steadily into my brain
    berating my stomach and back
    never relenting its attack
    until i cant see the light
    until i cant seem to fight
    against the rhythmic beating
    until i cry like a new lamb bleating
    at its mother for some comfort
    illusion is it's dearest cohort
    and my oldest and best friend
    a misty dream near the end
    to soften the coming blow
    helping my ragged breath go
    in and out in steadier rushes
    hallucinating the barest of touches
    from a sweet faced lover
    to maybe help me get over
    the sharp and steady ache
    this pain i cant seem to forsake

    Submitted on 2007-03-23 12:33:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree, you were too straight forward
    and it looked like you tried to focus too much on the rhyming. Your could have used more emotion in the poem and more words to describe things. I would have liked to have seen some imagery, i didn't really get anything from the poem, i couldn't get into and it started to lose my attention, personally it was just like you told us over and over that you were in pain and you didn't really add anything else to the poem. Just my thoughts.

    Keep writing,
    and good luck.

    | Posted on 2007-03-24 00:00:00 | by -amberina | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good write but I do feel the rhyme was forced in a few places

    I think and I stress this is just my opinion this write would carry a lot more emotion if it was written in more of a free form write with less emphasis on the rhyme
    You did speak well of your emotions but the constant rhyme did take away from this a little
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      you are good with rhymes, i can say that for certain...I like metaphors, I like uniqueness, for some reason, even though this is very personal I can't see YOU in this. And that is what I like to see, I like the poem to reflect the person and I like it when great literary tools are evident enough to show there are some, then you can go crazy and find lots and lots of meanings and mataphors...not saying this isn't good, cause it is lovely. Just giving you t hat.
    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]

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