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    dots Submission Name: Life Is and Ain't... dots

    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 625
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 567

       I know what I was thinking when I wrote this.
    I'd be interested in knowing what other people thought of when they read it.
    Thanks for reading : )

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife Is and Ain't... dots

    The rose garden.
    I remember
    antique white roses
    near the award winning red.
    The rain had doused the stone terrace.
    The freshness, the water, and the buds,
    All free.
    Almost hearing the joyful
    buds blooming.
    Fulfilling their rose destiny.

    I want to take back time.
    Restore all the beauty,
    That was part of my life with you.
    As the roses still grow,
    Even now.

    You're so very silent.
    I will be, too.

    Submitted on 2007-03-24 23:00:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with xymf about the beginning, and especially the roses motive.
    Well, I agree with him/her on all other stuff he/she said, too, lol - well, except the lover metaphor..when I read your poem I got the feeling that you were referring only to your memory - that you "don't want to meet again with it" because you want to preserve it just the way it is in your mind, and not eventually spoil it with new occurences that resemble the past you have lived through and cherish now inside.
    Nice work, anyhow..

    Be well.
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
      This was so good, but I just felt a strong problem with the middle. The beginning created a nice dreamy memory that was very good, and the end showed the sadness that can be held in these memories... it was confused and unsure, but still hopeful... still trying.

    however, the middle felt too specific for the rest of the piece, too pertaining to a certain situation, when this had such a strong appeal as displaying an emotion

    I want to take back time.
    Restore all the beauty and goodness
    That was part of my life with you.
    Don't say we will meet again.
    I don't believe you.
    I don't dare.

    Quietly submitting to
    the life sentence
    between my ears.
    There is no turning back,
    from Hell.

    those are the lines that seemed weak to me, the rest I really really liked.
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      Your beginning was very strong. I really like the contrast between the "Antique" white roses and the award winning red roses, I think this could definitely be explored more.

    The beginning was very picturesque, I felt like I could see in the first stanza, the garden you were describing, almost in a sepia print. I think this was good because obviously later on, you compare it to a past love. However, the second stanza with the yellow light, I did not understand where you were going or why.

    The latter of the poem obviously ties together what you were thinking of when you wrote it but to me it feels like two seperate poems, the metaphors and feelings weren't as connected as I would have liked.

    I don't like hell in this poem, it feels too abrupt- too violent. The suffering you describe above, with the roses seems more of a subtle, slow pain. I think that this poem would be great if you more explored why you choose the roses in the first place. Are you the white roses? Your lover the red?

    I like your moments about silence and the end, I think it fits in with the picturesque beginning.

    I think for a poem that you didn't know what was coming, this is really admirable. I get the feeling from the poem, some kind of a slow death of a love that meant a lot but you were powerless to stop the disentegration. I would be interested to see what would happen if you ended up revising it.
    | Posted on 2007-03-25 00:00:00 | by xymf | [ Reply to This ]

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