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    dots Submission Name: Let's Dancedots

    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 759
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 361

       Yea, a quikie...it needs some help, it's a bit blah-y...but I need to get my idears out before I explode.


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    dotsLet's Dancedots

    Oh let's dance under the starry sky,
    You and me together.
    That's our alibi.

    Oh let's dance beneath the sparking ceiling,
    you and I forever.
    Let's never loose this feeling.

    Oh please let's dance! Just like we used to,
    Without worry or fear.
    Please, just me and you?

    Submitted on 2007-03-26 00:21:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like 'alibi' because at first I wondered what it might mean besides a rhyme for 'sky' (which is pretty cool because I guess 'sky' is one of the most-rhymed words in poetry, maybe!)

    Finally found: aha, they're WITNESSES to each other! But maybe I still missed what you meant...

    'Ceiling' and 'feeling' : Mighty rhymes always have some sort of comradeship between the rhyming words; they somehow work strongly together for the poem. I got a distinct twinge of that not happenning with this rhyme ...
    | Posted on 2007-03-28 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree that this feels incomplete, so I'll let your mind wonder as to its expansion or revision, but I don't understand one line:

    That's our alibi.

    What I think happened is you just reached for one of the first words you could think of that rhymes with "sky," because this line doesn't make any sense within the context you've given us in the poem. Your alibi for what? Your dancing is an alibi for something else that you are doing? This is never explained or revisted in the poem, so, I think this needs to be heavily considered in your revision; either expanding upon that or changing it.

    Anyway, a nice write. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
    I think one of the things that you have going in this short piece is the obvious attempt at making it a form. You have a rhyme scheme happening as well as a lineation scheme going and for just a quick write to get your ideas down, that's admirable. I think what you might want to do for now, is jusat to get your lines into a more regular form. Find out what your syllable counts are, maybe, and try to keep the lines with in those strictures. That will start giving you a chance to explore some other language options which may open up the poem even more to you, since, right now, it does feel kind of cliché. I always find that confining creativity can, at times, lead to word choices the artist might never have considered. Maybe pull out a good thesaurus to help that first line of the second stanza.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is a tricky one. I say that because I like the concept more than I like the piece itself... as you said, it's really short, and a bit "blah"-ey... And I guess it's good that you have this idea down on paper (well... close enough...) so you don't forget it, because if you were to take this further, it would really work. It's hard to comment any further... because like I said, the piece wasn't so great, but the idea was good. Try reworking/rewriting it... and make it a bit meatier (longer) and you should have a solid piece on your hands.

    Good luck.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by Trifecta | [ Reply to This ]

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