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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tis Not the Daydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Draigon
    ASL Info:    25/m/Al
    Elite Ratio:    4.25 - 164/196/91
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 993
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1086



    Description:
       Dedicated to a friend at school that had a car wreck 3-26-07.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTis Not the Daydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tis not the day to mourn,
    he is not dead,
    at least not yet.

    Send your strength to him,
    so maybe that he can live.
    Don't show your tears,
    be strong,
    show your care.

    Tis not the time to mourn,
    we must remain standing up,
    with our heads held high.

    Christians, send your prayers to God,
    every miniscule amount helps.
    All of the other religions,
    send out your regards.

    Death! shall not conquor this day.
    No! we shall hold death back,
    and we will survive together this day.

    Tis not the day of mourning.
    Because death will not prevail...
    We will remain strong,
    we will remain vigilant.

    Surely nothing can combat such care,
    it shall drive back death,
    and show us victory,
    the victory of preserving a life.

    Tis not the day of mourning,
    old Morte will be driven back,
    into his dark home in the shadows.
    Death shall not prevail....




    Submitted on 2007-03-26 13:09:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is founded largely on emotion and a willing that your friend survives, which is always a lovely wish. I think it could use a few tweaks, such as here in the first strophe:

    [It's] not [a] day to mourn,
    he is not dead;

    at least not yet.


    This pause gives a greater emphasis that he might still die, which is something that line was begging for. Also, the "tis" is simply out of place; it's the only archiac word in this piece and does not fit with the rest of the diction. I recommend changing all instances of its appearance to "it's."

    so maybe that he can live.

    This line should be rewritten as "so that maybe he can live," or more preferably, "so that he can live." Or even "so maybe he can live."

    Don't show your tears[;]

    The comma didn't generate the necassary seperation.

    Christians, send your prayers to God,
    every miniscule amount helps.


    First of all, I think "tiny" is better suited for the line; miniscule feels out of place. Then secondly, just a question: Does God care more if two people pray as opposed to only one?

    Death[] shall not [conquer] this day.

    I don't think the exclamation point adds anything in this instance.

    and we will survive together [this day].

    I recommend removing the "this day" part of the line.

    A little refining and this will be fine. I hope your friend is doing okay.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! First of all, you've got a lot of determination built into this! I daresay the old Morte cannot fight against such strong convictions.

    Just a few observations... "so maybe that he can live" perhaps should be written out as "so maybe he can live" or "so maybe he shall live" or "may live" to match the style of your writing.

    Also, you misspelled "conquor" --> "conquer."

    But over all, you wrote it out pretty well. What happened to the friend? Did the prayers work?

    Peace,
    Drika
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by the Change | [ Reply to This ]


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