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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shooting Stardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EternitysLyre
    ASL Info:    20/M/Taiwan.
    Elite Ratio:    7.13 - 151/168/42
    Words: 387
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 97
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2397



    Description:
       I know the last stanza is off in rhythm. But does it make sense?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShooting Stardots
    -------------------------------------------





    ~Crash, crash and burn, but never, never learn.







    Though loftier deliverance endears the waiting eyes,
    A violet belligerence besmears the saline skies;
    Where stouter hearts reap ever-afters softer souls sew sighs
    A race of all abandon stands, for dawn is on the rise.


    Celerity itself alone cannot escape the vise
    Of fragile phantom dreams come true, on which the heart relies
    It burns a trail of ice and hail, a scream with no reply
    And sails the skyline through and through, a beacon to the shy


    It knew of haste, for sloth should waste the life within it wrought
    And but a taste of hesitance would taint the cold whole “caught”
    For moments spared too oft ensnared determination’s plot
    As thus it seemed, it streamed away the strands to fight the knot.


    But fate had known that one so flown across the eyes of night
    Whose sole regard regaled the Bard, and sang the dream of light
    Could ne’er shut its heart as tight, for fleeing needs no might
    And thus it beamed, the moon seduced a whisper running bright.


    Its tongue spun silver, played in gold, its center drank the gaze
    Of fervent wordless murmurs for a way beyond the maze
    For when the harsher rays abate, fragile feeling stays
    And thus it gleamed, a splash of sun the frozen core waylays


    And round and round the spiel it spun did rouse the hidden hearth
    Encased in ice to ‘scape the price, the secret cost of mirth
    A life of light is bound to shade, the price of freedom worth
    Yet nonetheless in all is blessed the song of Hope at birth.


    And thus it was, what once was free would sacrifice Eternity
    For but a glimpse, a passing glance, the beauty of dependency
    Entranced, the final starlit dance forever ends in tragedy
    And thus it dreamed, a shooting star was born of our humanity.


    So if you spy a sky besmirched with flame from end to end
    A streak connecting dots to fly to unforeseen finish
    Close your eyes, and dream the dream the fragile heart defends—

    For every shooting star is only waiting for its wish.




    Submitted on 2007-03-26 21:52:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Right now I think your last quatrain works, but I would try to set it apart even more from the rest of the poem. PErhaps really change it up. Half the line length or put more space between it and the rest of the poem. Do something visual with it so that the reader is expecting something different when they get there... so their mind is already changed to accept the change in meter.. the change in rhyme. The change is only distracting because you set up an expectation through out the rest of th epoem and then sort of shatter it in the last quatrain and it... I guess I could say it hurts. Cue the reader in that it is going to be different. and I think It'll work just fine.
    | Posted on 2007-03-27 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]



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