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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: he thought it was cute,dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kristen Gudsnuk
    ASL Info:    21/f/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 182/229/86
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1065
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1420



    Description:
       erm, just a free-write? heh? sounds really bitter, but then, I was channeling one specific (and strong) emotion~ heh
    this is just one of those depressing "moments of realization".


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshe thought it was cute,dots
    -------------------------------------------


    you said, and I blushed, my mouth going dry
    and my heart flapping around
    like a big awkward heron
    (can herons fly?)
    And I got that quick-pulsed anxious feeling,
    that over-caffeinated, under-slept,
    the-world-is-being-suspended-by-a-thin-string feeling.

    And I smiled frantically, laughed about
    throwing myself into traffic.
    You laughed too, and told me I've changed-
    I act more spastic, more animated than before
    "like a cartoon"
    I didn't know what you meant, exactly
    but I was still trying to regain neural activity
    after being clubbed in the head with
    "he thought it was cute"
    I was trying to untangle the weathered knot of emotion,
    figure out what each string meant
    why was I so embarrassed?


    later on, alone in my room, I realized
    why it hurt so much.
    It wasn't the embarrassment of
    being caught in-love--
    "he thought it was cute."
    like a puppy or a heart-shaped balloon.
    while I've been ripping the flesh off my soul
    in vain, searching for non-love,
    looking for something to distract me
    he probably laughed it off,
    chalked it up to the impetuousness of youth
    or hormones
    or loneliness
    and then shrugged and forgot.




    Submitted on 2007-03-27 11:25:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Kristen, I guess what I'd like to see with this piece is a reworking of it... an attempt to add some orde to it beyond the quick, slap dash fel of writing it on the page to put the thoughts "Out there" You have several places of internal sound, andI think that you should call attention to it is some way... to show a bit of craft in the presentation. I'm not saying that I would change it completely, but here is one way you migh think about it.
    "you said, and I blushed, my mouth going dry
    and my heart flapping around
    like a big awkward heron
    (can herons fly?)"
    Try
    "you said, and I
    blushed, my mouth going
    dry and my heart
    flapped like an awkward
    heron (can herons
    fly?)"

    The shorter line kind of heightens that... cute feeling and also emphasizes the awkwardness of the language and the moment. Make it just as awkward for the reader to feel as for the speaker to say. Force that feeling of awkwardness on others.
    | Posted on 2007-03-27 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, being at that over-caffeinated, under-slept stage myself(I accidentally bought esprESSO! coffee. And opened it with a hammer. Um...)
    I feel that I should say whatever it is I'm about to say about this poem. Thing.

    I like how the title flows into the thing.
    I don't get how the world is being suspended by a thin string, though I know how it feels to be suspended by one. Though perhaps "the world" doesn't always mean the earth.

    (can herons fly?) I like that. I hate it when poeple go research things and pretend to know about them and make wonderful lies about them when they don't really know. They just found something they could use as a metaphor. But here, the heart is definitely a heron. But the heron might not be a heron. That's awesome.

    And I assume they can fly. I think ostriches and Big Bird are the only flightless birds. And penguins are mammals. Or something.

    But your uncertainty reflects your uncertainty about whether your heart can fly. That's what I like about that.

    And everything else is like, you know, true. At least, it feels that way. That's all I can say about that.

    I don't understand the ending. I really want to understand, but I don't. "I hate the word"?
    | Posted on 2007-03-27 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]


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    139029

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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