The Whisper by Swimming Bird

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Submission Name: The Whisper dots

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Author:	Swimming Bird
ASL Info:	22/m/AR
Elite Ratio:	5.34 - 76/68/20
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	350
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	393

Description:

The Whisper dots

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A quiet whisper in your ear,
Will wipe away all of your fears.
The whisper silent in the air,
Will speak the truth of one so fair.
A midnight whisper as it flows,
Will read the heart from which it blows.
This whisper wraps around you tight,
Like your lover in the night.
Yes, the whisper, great is he,
If the whisper came from me.

Submitted on 2007-03-28 11:11:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this is interesting. It leaves me wondering. That's good but bad cuz it seems as though it is meant to continue. hmmm. good job all in all.
| Posted on 2008-03-11 00:00:00 | by Jessica Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  okay, i think that having "of" in the second line works, it just (to me) makes the poem sound more like a ticking clock. the of is just not necessarry even having the eight syllables is really not necessary. i don't think anyone is going to notice if one of the first couple lines doesn't have eight. i think it just makes the poem sound more natural without the of. whatever you do with the of, i think you should deffinately get rid of the "s" at the end of "fears" in the second line. it's just distracting to me becuase it's the only rhyme in the thing that isn't exact like the others and if it was exact it would make the poem agree with itself. if you have a different reasoning on why you have it that way please tell me. but it's up to you i guess.
| Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by reluctant_hero | [ Reply to This ]
  well, underlinedinred, i would change something.
the second line doesn't need the "of" and then you can make it "fear" and it will rhyme smoother.
the eighth line: i'm not sure if you're trying to go for this person you're whispering to is someone else's and your trying to steal her away or what but you should give some thought to changing the "your" to an "a", but it's not really a big deal.

overall a very good peice. simple, but short and sweet with lots of underlying darkandshadowy meaning. good job
~nick
| Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by reluctant_hero | [ Reply to This ]
  Wait did you seriously write this? I love it! Seriously, I wouldnt change a thing. Its amazing. flows wonderfully, really caught my attention. its great. wait did you really write this???? I am stunned.

-Randee
| Posted on 2007-03-28 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]

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