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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wandering Nightmares of Bliss.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 558
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 991



    Description:
       a bit confusing...but looking back its much better then when I wrote it. but highly confusing.

    I think basically, means i had this dream, where I almost blended into the background of some eery place, where it is chilly and I speak to someone but not in a pleasant way. And then later on I still cant figure out what it all meant....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWandering Nightmares of Bliss.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    hopeless
    stuck in a rut of my own.
    made this life mine.
    nothing more.
    worked through these shadows
    that lead to my soul.
    Intertwined with melodies.
    continuing to pour.
    Rain washes
    Into white backdrops of nightmares.
    I must wait [for] hope in its masked veil
    Silhouettes of these tall tales.
    Picture me a perfect night
    where I can wander into dim,
    pale, softened, candlelight.
    So my back can match the sky,
    and wander past his eye.
    We can speak in mixed tongues.
    Of broken languages and coarse words.
    This is where I must lay my sword.
    Swallowed by such broken hoards.
    stillness in its eerie woe.
    Understanding where we must go.
    I saunter yet into a bliss.
    Of memories gone amiss.
    All in a dream...of last night's wonder.
    Wonder yet what this all means.
    Wonder still of later scenes.




    Submitted on 2007-03-28 12:31:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Now we all know why this guy is called Joeyalphabet, huh? Yeah I agree... you need a personal editor your so bad at it... but your write itself is so f*ucking beautiful. This is definetly a favorite. I read a few poems before this and gave you nice advice, but after reading this I seemed to think you actually alread took it, lol. Nice Job, and even though I have already read a couple of your poems and dont know you at all, I am proud of you! Great work and I hope to see more of this.
    One thing I do suggest is that you do re-write. But don't let it stop at the dream you had. Really read your poem over and expand this, because I love it so much that I want to be selfish and fish all the imagination out of you just for this one poem. lol, I could be your personal trainer, arghh!!! > lol
    Great job once again, and dont listen to joeyjackass down there.... he looks too much into life... you can tell. :)

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-04-04 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      If you are going to write poetry, at least use a spell-checker. ‘NighmAre’, not ‘nightmere’. don't put periods at the ends of lines where the thought keeps going into the next. Delete.’ Unless you’re Cockney stop using ‘I’ave’.

    This IS good, but get to the point. Use strong words to convey strong images and don’t put in unnecessary words like ‘that’ because they diminish what you're trying to say.

    You’ve got some strong, good lines here; keep developing them and hone what you have to make it really sharp. Keep writing!

    hopeless
    stuck – DELETE ‘SO I AM’
    in a rut of MY own. – DON’T MIX OLD FASHIONED ExPRESSIONS IN A MODERN WRITE
    made this life mine. – DELETE ‘I’AVE’
    nothing more. – DELETE ‘AND’
    worked through these shadows – NO PERIOD AT END OF LINE. YOU'RE CONTINUING THE THOUGHT
    led to my soul. – DELETE ‘THAT HAVE’
    Intertwined with melodIEs. – ‘MELODIES’
    continuING to pour. – CHG ‘WHICH CONTINUE’ TO ‘CONTINUING’
    rain washes – DELETE ‘THE’. ‘THAT’
    Into white backdrops of nightmAres.
    I must wait – CHG TO ‘I MUST WAIT’, DELETE PERIOD
    [FOR] Hope In its masked veil[,] – CHG TO COMMA AT END
    SilhouEttes of these tall tales.
    Picture me a perfect night – DELETE PERIOD
    where I can wander into dim,
    pale, softened, candlelight. – NICE!
    So my back can match the sky, - DELETE ‘THAT’
    and wander past his eye. – DELETE ‘I’
    We can speak in mixed tongues. – DELETE ‘UP’
    Of chinglish and coarse words. – ‘CHINGLISH’ IS NOT A WORD.
    This where I must lay my sword. –‘THIS WHERE’ DOESN’T MAKE SENSE
    Swallowed by such broken hoards.
    stillness in its eerIE woe. – DELETE ‘THE’
    Understanding where we must go.
    I saunter yet into a bliss.
    Of memorIEs gone amiss. – DELETE ‘THAT HAVE’
    All in a dream...of last night[‘]s wonder.
    wonder yet what this all means. – DELETE ‘I’ (BOTH LINES)
    wonder still of later scenes.
    | Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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