Grief

Author: folletti ASL Info:    20/f/US,PA Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 22 /21 /7 Words: 87

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1034 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 538

Description:

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Grief

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Grief and I sit on the bed knee to knee eyeing each other up checking each other out deciding if the time to do this is now or if we should wait a while Grief and I decide my seemingly pending stomach ulcer is probably a bad plan, so sooner than later would be better, but I need a time frame and she can’t give me one so our backs turn to each other again and I sit alone, the same.

Submitted on 2007-03-28 18:15:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

How interesting, personifying grief so that she physically sits in the room with you. The first verse is brilliant. The second one doesn't scan so well, I think it's possibly because the lines don't follow the same, gradually lengthening, structure as the first. I think the poem could be improved by changing that, but the basic idea is fantastic. I also like the creature in your pic, he's cute :) T x

| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]

I disagree with David on this one. I think it balances just right as is. I read it as a one person commentary on a one person conversation - if that makes sense to anyone but me. first verse - the set up single line ("or if we should etc") - the proposition second verse - the discussion single line ("again") - the conclusion last line ("and I sit alone etc") the pay off. That's how it worked both rhythmically and poetically for me.

| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by Ben Gunn | [ Reply to This ]

Here's a suggestion, just to break it up a bit. See if you can bring the second and third stanzas together, then reak it into two so that you end up with three stanzas, each beginning with Grief and I. Use the general form/flow of the first stanza to create the second more fully. sort of like: "Grief and I sit on the bed knee to knee eyeing each other up checking each other out deciding if the time to do this is now or if we should wait a while Grief and I decide my pending stomach ulcer is probably a bad plan, Really not a very good idea so sooner than later would be better, But I need a time frame and she can’t give me one so our backs turn to each other again" Can you see where I'm going with it? With line lengths etc? Line... functions? I'm not saying change the poem, just... giving a suggestion because you asked.

| Posted on 2007-03-28 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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