This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Grief


Author: folletti
ASL Info:    20/f/US,PA
Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 22 /21 /7
Words: 87
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1034
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 538



Description:


This is and old piece I'm unsure about. Rip it up if you like.


Grief



Grief and I
sit on the bed
knee to knee
eyeing each other up
checking each other out
deciding if the time to do this is now

or if we should wait a while

Grief and I decide
my seemingly pending
stomach ulcer
is probably a bad plan,
so sooner than later would be better,
but I need a time frame
and she can’t give me one
so our backs turn to each other

again

and I sit alone, the same.




Submitted on 2007-03-28 18:15:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  How interesting, personifying grief so that she physically sits in the room with you. The first verse is brilliant. The second one doesn't scan so well, I think it's possibly because the lines don't follow the same, gradually lengthening, structure as the first. I think the poem could be improved by changing that, but the basic idea is fantastic.

I also like the creature in your pic, he's cute :)

T x
| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
  I disagree with David on this one. I think it balances just right as is.

I read it as a one person commentary on a one person conversation - if that makes sense to anyone but me.

first verse - the set up
single line ("or if we should etc") - the proposition
second verse - the discussion
single line ("again") - the conclusion
last line ("and I sit alone etc") the pay off.

That's how it worked both rhythmically and poetically for me.

| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by Ben Gunn | [ Reply to This ]
  Here's a suggestion, just to break it up a bit. See if you can bring the second and third stanzas together, then reak it into two so that you end up with three stanzas, each beginning with Grief and I. Use the general form/flow of the first stanza to create the second more fully. sort of like:
"Grief and I
sit on the bed
knee to knee
eyeing each other up
checking each other out
deciding if the time to do this is now

or if we should wait a while

Grief and I
decide my pending
stomach ulcer
is probably a bad plan,
Really not a very good idea
so sooner than later would be better,

But I need a time frame
and she can’t give me one
so our backs turn to each other

again"

Can you see where I'm going with it? With line lengths etc? Line... functions?

I'm not saying change the poem, just... giving a suggestion because you asked.
| Posted on 2007-03-28 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



139156