The Train
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Description:
The Train
The train sits Quiet At a stop Waiting for souls To leave And others to embark Everyone rests Minding Their own The drunk in the car Takes a Swig The man With the briefcase Gathers his papers And places his pen In the pocket On his breast He rises For his stop Arrives And departs Fumbling As his feet glide Where he walks Is anyone’s guess For he walks Silently Into the night Depressed Another soul Enters To take his place She whispers silently And ties the laces On her new shoes She says ‘Good evening.’ And sits with a smile Running Fingers Through her hair But as soon as she Arrived She is gone Going home to sit With her husband Or her cats Either way The last stop Is near It’s time for me To walk Alone I gather my Belongings My bottle And its cap And the briefcase On my lap I smile at My laces tied Neatly And take a Swig For the long walk home. |
Submitted on 2007-03-28 22:30:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| for some reason i thought of billy joel's 'piano man' while reading this. i'd like more on the people who show us here, get into some depth rather than just presenting a scene. i want to hear the squeal of the brakes, murmured conversations, etc. this is a really good start but it could be great. peace, love and alll that other junk, joe | Posted on 2007-04-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ] | wow, i saw so much more behind this that i would have expected. | for some reason, when you were describing this person to notice these small things about these people, it was as if he was looking right through them and figuring out who they were, inside and out. and i thought that it made the entire piece very powerful. i thought the format was perfect for a piece like this. i don't know what else to say. keep up the good work. Peace<3 <Bleedingtears> | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ] | well this seems almost like the man is hallucinating just a bit, after indulging a bit too much to forget a long day at work... | the peice itself is quite beautifully and masterfulyl put together, a definate structure, but not too prominent... the design brings the reader swiftly to the climax, draws the reader in deeper...it is a beautiful write, it is... very intrigueing..... my favorite part was probobly "He rises For his stop Arrives And departs Fumbling As his feet glide" it just sounds so human but noticable and notable at the same time, something you might take note of after a long day, something to think about on the ride home, but nothing to deeply important.... xoxo | Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ] | |
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