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The Train

Author: JAcksonJr
ASL Info:    20/Male/NY
Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 56 /116 /57
Words: 180
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 923
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1401


The Train

The train sits
At a stop
Waiting for souls
To leave
And others to embark

Everyone rests
Their own
The drunk in the car
Takes a

The man
With the briefcase
Gathers his papers
And places his pen
In the pocket
On his breast

He rises
For his stop
And departs
As his feet glide

Where he walks
Is anyone’s guess
For he walks
Into the night

Another soul
To take his place
She whispers silently
And ties the laces
On her new shoes

She says
‘Good evening.’
And sits with a smile
Through her hair

But as soon as she
She is gone
Going home to sit
With her husband
Or her cats

Either way
The last stop
Is near
It’s time for me
To walk

I gather my
My bottle
And its cap
And the briefcase
On my lap

I smile at
My laces tied
And take a
For the long walk home.

Submitted on 2007-03-28 22:30:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  for some reason i thought of billy joel's 'piano man' while reading this. i'd like more on the people who show us here, get into some depth rather than just presenting a scene. i want to hear the squeal of the brakes, murmured conversations, etc. this is a really good start but it could be great.

peace, love and alll that other junk,

| Posted on 2007-04-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i saw so much more behind this that i would have expected.
for some reason, when you were describing this person to notice these small things about these people,
it was as if he was looking right through them and figuring out who they were,
inside and out.
and i thought that it made the entire piece very powerful.
i thought the format was perfect for a piece like this.
i don't know what else to say.
keep up the good work.

| Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  well this seems almost like the man is hallucinating just a bit, after indulging a bit too much to forget a long day at work...

the peice itself is quite beautifully and masterfulyl put together, a definate structure, but not too prominent...

the design brings the reader swiftly to the climax, draws the reader in is a beautiful write, it is...

very intrigueing.....

my favorite part was probobly
"He rises
For his stop
And departs
As his feet glide"
it just sounds so human but noticable and notable at the same time, something you might take note of after a long day, something to think about on the ride home, but nothing to deeply important....

| Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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