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    dots Submission Name: But Still...dots

    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 561
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700

       I'm just going to throw this out there. Sort of reminds me of Eleanor Rigby.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBut Still...dots

    In churches doing time-
    her starving, destitute offspring.

    Their mother won
    fistfuls of money.
    Good fortune
    Closed her judgment
    Shut and dark,
    She had something to lose.
    Blithely indifferent towards
    everyone else
    (They weren't her,
    she sniped).
    saved tightly
    in her
    permanent apron pockets.
    Bursting with insecurity.
    She was unmoved
    by the audacity
    of the unfortunate.
    They deserve nothing.
    And, besides,
    The money was hers.

    Her passing went unseen.
    The presidents
    didn't even blink.

    Submitted on 2007-03-28 23:26:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      There is an error here – either the writing or my understanding: “She was unmoved / by the audacity / of the fortunate.” Shouldn’t that be “unfortunate”? It might make sense except the next line says, “They deserve nothing.”
    I like your choice of “won” (L2) instead of “earned” or “gained”, and also “closed” (resonates with her purse / pockets). The end is good in leaving us with much to ponder, leading us indirectly to your point.
    My only suggestion concerns “(They weren’t her)”: I think adding “She thought” before it would give it more philosophical depth.
    | Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]

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